Evil Brian's Evil Thoughts...it's a MotherFucker

......

Alright, I just came back from watching Fahrenheit 9/11...and I am totally speechless. A review is forthcoming, but I have some schoolwork to do, and I need to settle my thoughts. One thing though: this is the single most intense film I have ever seen.

Hey Love Crusader...

I want to be your space invader!

Prepare yourselves for the greatest music video....EVER.

New Favorite Spam Email

I must've laughed for five straight minutes just reading the title to this email. Check this shit out:

Christian Bill Removers" Add to Address Book
To: WPNRevilGM@yahoo.com
Subject: Eliminate your bills the Christian way
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 18:58:43 -0700

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My heathen atheist bill-elimination methods just haven't been working! I've tried everything: sacrificing chipmunks to Pan the Goat God; chanting verses from the Necronomicon while burning photocopies of my bill statements; throwing eggs at the Verizon building; NOTHING SEEMS TO BE WORKING! Where, oh where shall I turn?? I KNOW! I haven't been trying to utilize the power of CHRIST to alleviate my financial woes!! Oh, bless you Jesus, for your infinite compassion and financial backing up to a 5000 dollar limit with 15% interest after 30 days! I need only holy water, the Bible, and 3 viable forms of identification to harness the wonderful beautiful love of Our Savior for my financial benefit! Take THIS, evil bills of the Dark Lord Satan!

*sprinkles holy water at bills*

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!

*bills disappear in a cloud of smoke and Jesus' love rains down upon me*

Oh Lord in heaven, Mary mother of God, Father Son and Holy Spirit, I am SAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYVED from unholy corruption and financial ruin! God bless you, ChristianDebtRemovers.org of Boca Raton, Florida! You truly are doing the Lord's work! I have been born-again! Resurrected from my heathenistic non-Christian ways! My life and wallet now belong to JESUS! Just like George W. Bush, the rightfully-elected and God-ordained President of these United States of America wants it! YAY JESUS!!!

Good Job! You're Doing a Good Job There, Buddy...

This is a testament to the retarded and/or mentally-challenged 3rd graders in the audience: you too can start blogging, knowing someone of the same mental capacity has discovered the awesome art of 'da Blog. Yes, more powerful than English in a Blender and funnier than Bill O'Reilly, Fred Durst...yes, THAT Fred Durst...has a muthafukkin' BLOG, YO!

Garfield Follow-Up

If you have Windows Media Player, watch THIS. This is basically Garfield: The Movie smartened up a bit for the graduate students in the audience, and minus the sweet sweet Jennifer Love Hewitt-ness. Enjoy.


P.S. You're goin' down, Seville!

Alright, Now You're All Just Fucking With Us, Right?

Now, granted this administration has fucked around with us plenty, and there have been many times when I've wondered whether they don't all get a perverse joy out of what equates to pissing on our heads. But THIS just fucking pisses me off. SO, after they steal millions upon MILLIONS of motherfucking dollars from shareholders, employees and taxpayers, they have the balls to tell the state of California (after raping them with inflated prices during thier statewide power outages) that they owe them money. Bankrupt Enron. Piggy piggy piggy fuck piggy piggy Enron. These guys demand money from the state government after robbing them blind, and yet we rape some innocent Iraqi's with lightsticks. Justice is dead.

If the Feeling of Forced Anal Rape Was Made Into a Movie, This is What It Would Look Like

Let me say this before I start: I love my girlfriend. I really do. We've been going out for 18 months now (as of tomorrow) and she means everything to me.

That being said I have to talk about her weird, freaky fetish. I'd use another word for it, but fetish seems most appropos in this situation. You see, my girlfriend has dragged me to more shitty movies than I can possibly count, without much explanation. If a god-awful movie has come out in the past 2 years, chances are she's dragged me to go see it. Thirteen Ghosts? Rented it. The Hot Chick? Oh yeah. Eight Crazy Nights? Opening weekend. Texas Chainsaw Massacre Remake? Damn straight. JESUS Chainsaw Massacre? She doesn't even believe in Christ and we went to watch it. And that's only a partial list of some of the worst. But today; TODAY. I was shocked, I really really was. She gave no explanation and, if she didn't have her hand down my pants, I would've been a lot more vocal in my objections. But I wasn't strong enough, and we went.

The horror.

THE HORROR.

GARFIELD: THE MOVIE.

It was like the King of Cartoons ripped 5 bucks out of my wallet, sat me down, pulled his pants down and shit on my face. The movie amounts to this: a big orange fuzzy lump of shit skittering about and making jokes lame enough to PREVENT THE CHILDREN IN THE AUDIENCE FROM LAUGHING for less (thank Saget) than 90 minutes. If Jennifer Love Hewitt's sexy ass wasn't bouncing around in miniskirts and dresses, I may have gone blind, my head spinning around as I vomit pea soup and stab my dick with a crucifix. I was amazed that Bill Murray didn't get whiplash after going from the extreme top to the extreme bottom of his career between 2 movies.

I only laughed one time in the entire movie, and that was when the credits started rolling. Granted it was the kind of jittery uneven laughter you usually only hear from mental ward patients, but laughter it was. I think I've started blocking it from my memory, because I honestly can't remember exactly what happened in the fucking movie, and it ended at 4. So in summary, I will be forever truamatized by this. You just wait; in another 4 or 5 years, there will be groups especially for people who watched Garfield: the Movie. All of us sitting in a circle, babbling and shaking "Don't eat the lasagna, Garfield. No Garfield, no.....don't kick Odie...Garfield...no! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Throw this on the list alongside Cat in the Hat, How the Grinch Stole Christmas and every Transformers spinoff they've done since the original series: another childhood memory raped of it's bonnyness.

And if anyone ever attempts a Calvin & Hobbes movie, I swear I'm gonna go buy a gun.

I Could Watch These All Day

First came The Exorcist, then The Shining, and NOW... the 30 Second Bunnies bring you TITANIC!

Puppetman!

There's a message in here somewhere, I think.

I hope this works...

Blogger has been giving me the middle finger as far as posting goes...any reason for this:

001 java.net.NoRouteToHostException: No route to host

I have no idea what that means, but I get it no matter how I edit my posts...

EDIT: Evidently, it was only temporary, thankfully. Enjoy my little story below...

Sweat, Seven-something, Shinedown and Four-Dollar Guinness: Evil Brian Goes to a Rock Show

Alright, so last night, I went to this rock show in a crowded little club in Syracuse featuring the band-of-the-moment up here, Shinedown. Hey, it’d been forever since I went to a live show, it was only 12 bucks, and I kinda like that song “45”, so sue me. Anyways, so I get there and, obviously, the first thing I do is go to the bar, where they procede to anally rape me by charging me $4 for a BOTTLE of Guinness. Not a pint, A BOTTLE, which is approximately 11.5 oz. of liquid Ireland. So I drink my Guinness, and get to the performance area of the club, which is a kind of pit 3 feet below the floor to the rest of the club, and about 20 feet across by 10 feet back. The stage is actually smaller than the stage in the gymnasium/auditorium of my elementary school, and I was shocked that they could fit a drum riser AND allow for enough room to put the mic stand in front of it, but despite all physical logic, they did it, and all the bands performed while, miraculously, not injuring themselves.

So the first band goes up, and it’s a local, unsigned nu-metal-sounding band with the unfortunate name of Muzzlestamp. Don’t ask, I couldn’t figure it the fuck out either. So anyways, they sounded like a mix of Flaw and Godsmack which, of course, sent me into a state of malaise. I’m standing there at center stage about 5 people back totally spacing out because the music was predictably average when, out of abso-fucking-lutely nowhere, the lead guitarist (who looks EXACTLY like E from the Eels with bleached hair) pulls out this crazy, Maiden-esque, high-speed guitar solo, and when you’re spacing out that’s like a gigantic smack in the face. The rest of their blessedly short set (like 20 minutes or so) was much of the same, with one catchy song which is, evidently, downloadable from their website (Rewind). So the one thing I pulled away from this act was E from the Eels kicking dick with some crazy fret-smashing solos.

We wait for about 30 minutes for the next opening act, which I thought was kind of amazing for another band I had never heard of, but I dismissed it. Anyways, the next band is introduced by their manager, who promptly promotes them like they’re orgasm-inducing speed freaks and says they’re gonna “fucking rock you, Syracuse!!” like a third-rate Mick Foley. So they take the stage, and the lead singer is wearing a fucking denim jacket, and I’m like “Wow, this is gonna suck.” He basically looked like the dude from Saliva and the band sounded like a harder version of Creed, which did NOT help them whatsoever. It also did not help that the leader guy sounded like Scott Stapp and, shockingly, had all the typical Scott Stapp lead singer poses down pat. He had the single-fist-pump. He had the double-wrist-cross-over-the-head. He had the one-foot-on-the-amp, double-handed-mic-grab. He had the obnoxious-random-finger-point. And, most importantly, he had the Look-at-me,-I’m-Christ-crucifixion pose. About two or three songs into their mediocre set, I realize I have no idea what the fuck their name is. I think they said Seven something, but I had no idea. (EDIT: upon further investigation, their name is Seven Wiser and they are, SHOCKINGLY, signed to Wind-up Records, the former record label of….YUP! You guessed it – Creed.) About midway through their ungodly-long 40 minute set, the lead guitarist attempted a guitar solo, and the only words I can think of to describe it is cookie-cutter. Now, I have never, in my life, heard a cookie-cutter guitar solo, and before last night could not even imagine what one WOULD sound like. The very last thing a guitar solo should sound like is typical or, as was evident in this situation, BORING. This was both, and it made me very sad. After this and before the next song started, the lead singer did his “rap” with the audience, where he tries to psyche up the crowd for the next song, and I swear to the high holy cocksucker he blurted out the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. He said, and I quote, “This next song is for anyone out there who has ever grown to love to hate…SOMETHING.” I just kinda stared at him as he went into the first verse and thought “What the fuck was that?” So after that, their set ended and I rejoiced.

Well, evidently, it takes an HOUR for them to set the stage for Shinedown, which I honestly thought was overdoing it. Now, at this point the air had gotten thick with perspiration and people started mobbing the floor and pushing up and stuff; and even with all the sweaty rock-chick-boobs smashing against my back, I could only think “Why the fuck does it take so long to set up your equipment for a club that holds less than a hundred people??” My legs get tired, and I honestly think about just sitting down when all of a sudden the lights go down, and I’m like “Finally.” About 20 minutes later, they start taking the stage, and they enter the stage to the theme from Sanford & Son. So, automatically, they get a bonus 20 points for cool pop-culture reference. So they start on a good vibe, and they get LOUD. Like hella-loud, much louder than I expected. Well, before I get into all that, I should explain some stuff.

1.) Shinedown, if you haven’t heard them before, has a kind of southern/hard rock sound. They’re not quite nu-metal, and the lead singer actually has a little soul to his voice.
2.) I had never heard any song from them except for “45”. Evidently, they had another radio hit off the album and, when they wanted everyone to sing along and I was standing there in front of him not doing a fucking thing, I honestly felt kinda dumb.
3.) I had little to no expectations for these guys at all. They didn’t say “we’re gonna fucking rock you Syracuse!” or anything like that to prematurely build themselves up or anything, so I had nothing to go on.

So the lead singer comes out, and he’s fucking NUTS. Like, I’ve seen a couple bands in concert in big arenas and whatnot, but none of them had a quarter of the intensity that this guy had. He was jumping all over the place, standing on the drum riser, SHAKING (which was kinda weird), and they just blast through all these songs that I have no idea what the hell they were. During the second song, I got pulled into the MOSH PIT. There was a MOSH PIT at a SHINEDOWN show. I was kinda stunned; one, by the dude who punched me in the back, and two, by the fact that not only had someone started a mosh pit in a teeny tiny dank little pit, but that they did so at a SHINEDOWN concert. So that was fun, albeit very unexpected, and I ended up on the far left side of the stage before security broke it up, thankfully (there was the typical drunk dude looking to just flail his arms everywhere hurting people unnecessarily). So a couple more songs pass (again, couldn’t BEGIN to tell you what they were) and then the drummer and bassist leave the stage. So, while I’m trying to figure out which sluts went back there to suck their cocks, lead singer dude (I find out later his name is Brent. And before you think “Who the fuck names their kids Brent nowadays?” let me get you back on subject) starts talking about how they’re from Jacksonville, FL. Automatically I think “Holy shit, please don’t cover Limp Bizkit.” (what can I say, I’m a pessimist.) Then, much to MY shock, Brent and the guitarist (sporting the ever more common acoustic-guitar-at-the-rock-show) goes into a full-blown REALLY GOOD cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man”. I was floored, and was one of about 3 people there actually singing along while the rest of the mostly-under-20 crowd just kinda swayed and stared blankly, and I could just read their faces. “WEN R THEY GUNNA PLAY 45?//?” So anyways, they go through that and actually get a good portion of the crowd to sing along with the final chorus, and they get back into the show full force. So they play a bunch more songs that actually sound GOOD (as he channeled Robert Plant and Chris Cornell at the same time) and leave the stage. And then, after the cheering and screaming started to die down, they come back out and do a DOUBLE ENCORE. As I previously mentioned, I have been to a couple Arena-type shows, and I have NEVER been privy to a double encore. These guys play a sweaty, smelly, dirty little bar in Syracuse and just give an arena-style performance with insane energy. And, the first encore they started playing “45” and the crowd went INSANE. The mosh pits started again, people started crowd-surfing, and you could barely hear him over the crowd. So, when that finishes and the band all walks off ‘cept for Brent (who keeps repeating the last 4 lines of the song), the band then COMES BACK and plays an ALBUM TRACK; and I could only think “Wow, they’ve got some nuts to pull that off.” And, not once in the entire hour-long set, did they ever lessen or lose any intensity. The Brent guy was just as spastic during the finale that he was during the entire rest of the show.

I left the tiny Club Tundra sweaty, smelly, my ears ringing, dazed and dehydrated; and it was honestly one of the first times I can honestly say “That show rocked my ass.” So, while I figured they were gonna sound like Default or some shit, and was actually dreading the show a little bit, fearing another Vertical Horizon disaster (don’t ask), it was actually one of the better rock shows I’ve been to. I’m not sure if I’d exactly recommend Shinedown to everyone, but I’d definitely recommend, at least once, going to a dingy little bar when a semi-cool band is playing and experiencing that for yourself.

So, in summary, E from the Eels shreds on guitar; there is a band in existence that thinks that naming themselves Muzzlestamp was a good idea; people who act like Scott Stapp automatically suck as much as Scott Stapp; Wind-Up Records has not ever put out anything of any use to the music community; Shinedown, while still being a radio-friendly-type band, surprisingly rocked my ass; and little club shows rule.



Muzzlestamp
Seven-something
Shinedown

Former President-Actor-Guy, 1911-2004

Alright, I'm gonna try my damnedest to be the least offensive I possibly can. I realize it's a tragedy and everything, as the passing of a U.S. President always is. It's a sad, sad day for Americans, as The Gipper and the original (at least for my generation) Cowboy President has died. No matter how much I hate his policies or what I think of the guy in general (or what I think of his unholy army of walking dittohead zombie worshippers), I can still say without guilt that his passing is a dark day for America.

I still (barely) remember being about 5-6 years old, and having my Presidential coloring book with all my favorites: Millard Fillmore (he was the first President to have running water in the White House!!), William Henry Harrison (he died in 30 days!!) and Grover Cleveland (he spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!!). And then, at the very end of the book, they left the space for Ronald Reagan blank so you could draw what you thought the President looked like, and I drew something alike to a pink rotting pear covered in vaginas in big blue coveralls, and my parents asked "What's that Bri-Bri?" and I replied "Dat's da Pwesident." (I was sooooooo cute!) That is my earliest memory of recognizing who the President was and, in retrospect, it's no surprise because Ronald Reagan was a President for the children. He accused trees of being worse for the environment than cars, giving me more excuses to have campfires, which always resulted in multiple smore smorgasbords. He considered ketchup to be a vegetable, which thrilled the crap out of EVERY kid EVER, as I don't believe there is any child who doesn't love ketchup (why else would they make a green and purple colored variety??), plus ketchup was basically the only way to make me eat tomatoes for about 15 years. he had a plan called Star Wars. STAR WARS for Saget's sake! THAT was fucking genius; NOBODY hates Star Wars, and anyone who does...well...thier opinion doesn't matter anyways. And he sold weapons to Iran and Iraq so...uhhh...well, that reason escapes me.

But he did have a primary role in the creation of tons of very cool punk songs and bands, not the least of which include DRI and the Dead Kennedys, who all rock ass.

So, I will conclude this strenuously-non-asshole-ish post by saying I wish the best to his family and my thoughts are with them. Especially his hot-ass granddaughter.


EDIT: "When people tell me I became president on January 20, 1981, I feel I have to correct them. You don't become president of the United States. You are given temporary custody of an institution called the presidency, which belongs to our people." — Address to the Republican national convention. Aug. 15, 1988

This Just In...

The Bush Administration seeks to alienate abso- Avril-ass-fucking- lutely EVERYONE.

Well, I think that was the last of it. The final group of people in America they could possibly piss off.

I think it's just fucking amazing that ANYBODY could possibly defend a second term of this administration. I mean, they don't even fucking ATTEMPT to hide anything anymore. It's just fucking sickening, and, while I hate Kerry, I can't WAIT for a new administration come November.

WTF??????

Okay, only click this link ONCE.

Pot. Kettle. Black.

And not the Wilco song.

So, if you follow the GOP's logic in this instance (whatever logic they may have), what they are saying is that since Kerry is a wealthy motherfucker, he can't connect with the general populous of America. However, the Bush Administration, which is a large group of MUCH WEALTHIER MOTHERFUCKERS, can. But...wait...if they're rich...and HE'S rich...but he doesn't...and then...

My head hurts, and my nose is starting to bleed. I think I'm gonna go lie down...