Monday, January 02, 2006
Year End Lists, Volume Two: The 20 Worst Singles of 2005
The best have been presented to you, so now must the worst, the very bottom of the barrel, the mouth-breathers, if you will, of the year's musical spectrum be revealed. So here they are, the most disgusting sounds of the past 365 days. Enjoy!
The 20 Worst Singles of 2005
20. Madonna - Hung Up: Because what would a Worst Single list be without Madonna?
19. 50 cent - Disco Inferno
18. 50 cent - Candy Shop
17. 50 cent - Just a Lil Bit: Yeah, it was way too easy to put 3 50 Cent songs in a row on here; but guess what? He's just fucking awful. And all three of these songs feature retarded thug posturing, ham-fisted sexual metaphors and reminders that Hey! 50 got SHOT! Fuck him for lowering the bar.
16. Korn - Twisted Transistor: They just keep getting worse and worse. Seriously, guys. If you're not gonna take this shit seriously anymore, just retire instead of jerking these kids around that don't know any better.
15. Nickelback - Photograph: Still making albums, still sucking balls. Honestly, who buys their albums anymore other than well-meaning grandparents who don't know any better?
14. Pussycat Dolls - Don't Cha: Short answer No. Long answer No and work the balls while you're on your knees.
13. Mariah Carey - We Belong Together: Hey, hats off to Mariah Carey for expanding her artistic vision on her latest album. She's really distanced herself from the late-80's/early-90's Mariah that sang a bunch of sappy, weepy love songs. Now she calls herself Mimi sometimes. Keep reaching for that brass ring, Mimi!
12. Coldplay - Fix You: I used to at least respect Coldplay. I mean they had a COUPLE good songs off thier past two albums. But this, this is just boring as shit.
11. Young Jeezy featuring Akon - Soul Survivor: Sounds like one of the Chipmunks singing in between verses laid down by a low-rent Treach from Naughty By Nature. Hideously overplayed, and the man deserves to be shot in the kneecap; not only for calling himself "Jeezy" but for saying, among other lines, "If life were a battlefield then I earned stripes." Worthless "gangsta" tripe.
10. Dem Franchise Boys - I Think They Like Me: Some songs are offensive, but this song is genuinely offensive to the ears. Imagine, if you will, about 4 or 5 black Billy Corgans repeating the lines "Oh I think they like me!" over and over AND OVER again. That's the chorus; THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING CHORUS. And the song is about 5 MINUTES LONG.
9. Toby Keith - As Good As I Once Was: Fuck Toby Keith. That is all.
8. David Banner - Play: Way way WAY over the top, an aural sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.
7. Ying Yang Twins - Wait (The Whisper Song): Almost completely indistinguishable from David Banner's Play, but this has a GIMMICK! See, they WHISPER! And it's the WHISPER SONG.
6. Mike Jones - Back Then: And I bet you all thought a black man with Down's Syndrome could never succeed in the world of rap music. Well, suck it, critics!! MI'JONE'! MI'JONE!!
5. Mariah Carey - Shake It Off: Mariah Carey is America's gonnorhea. SHe's been around for what seems like forever, and comes back every couple years to annoy the fuck out of us for a couple months before going back into dormancy. Only this year she's been itching and burning for most of the goddamn year. Where's the Bactine?
4. Crazy Frog - Axel F: Yes, it was supposed to be bad, and I suppose you could say it succeeded marvelously.
3. D4L - Laffy Taffy: See, because a girl's pussy looks like taffy, see, and they want girls to get naked, shake thier ass and show them thier pussies!!! Get it?? GET IT???!!! "If Music be the food of love; play on" indeed!
2. Black Eyed Peas - My Humps: Baby Got Back for a younger, stupider generation. Except not catchy, and actually disgusting. Honestly, "lovely lady lumps???" Thier level of suck knows no bounds.
1. Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl: You know, when I was in college and single me and my buds were amused by the simplest things. For a period of time, this included porn bloopers; scenes from porns that had to be cut because it just didn't make the story flow, I guess. Or the chick in question choked on a big nut. Anyways, I recall one of these where there were two women laying ass-to-ass, about a foot or two apart. A man came in and inserted a peeled banana into Girl #1's rectum, and she shot it out, and Girl #2 attempted to catch it in HER rectum,but she couldn't quite catch it. After almost a minute of constant banana-pooping and uncontrollable laughter, the movie ended without resolve. Did they eventually make it? Did Girl #2 complete the banana game of catch? Or would the director just edit it to make it look like it was caught without any actual success? I may never know. So, the next time you hear "This shit is Bananas!", hopefully you will hear of my plight of uncertainty, and shed a tear for Evil Brian.
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The best have been presented to you, so now must the worst, the very bottom of the barrel, the mouth-breathers, if you will, of the year's musical spectrum be revealed. So here they are, the most disgusting sounds of the past 365 days. Enjoy!
The 20 Worst Singles of 2005
20. Madonna - Hung Up: Because what would a Worst Single list be without Madonna?
19. 50 cent - Disco Inferno
18. 50 cent - Candy Shop
17. 50 cent - Just a Lil Bit: Yeah, it was way too easy to put 3 50 Cent songs in a row on here; but guess what? He's just fucking awful. And all three of these songs feature retarded thug posturing, ham-fisted sexual metaphors and reminders that Hey! 50 got SHOT! Fuck him for lowering the bar.
16. Korn - Twisted Transistor: They just keep getting worse and worse. Seriously, guys. If you're not gonna take this shit seriously anymore, just retire instead of jerking these kids around that don't know any better.
15. Nickelback - Photograph: Still making albums, still sucking balls. Honestly, who buys their albums anymore other than well-meaning grandparents who don't know any better?
14. Pussycat Dolls - Don't Cha: Short answer No. Long answer No and work the balls while you're on your knees.
13. Mariah Carey - We Belong Together: Hey, hats off to Mariah Carey for expanding her artistic vision on her latest album. She's really distanced herself from the late-80's/early-90's Mariah that sang a bunch of sappy, weepy love songs. Now she calls herself Mimi sometimes. Keep reaching for that brass ring, Mimi!
12. Coldplay - Fix You: I used to at least respect Coldplay. I mean they had a COUPLE good songs off thier past two albums. But this, this is just boring as shit.
11. Young Jeezy featuring Akon - Soul Survivor: Sounds like one of the Chipmunks singing in between verses laid down by a low-rent Treach from Naughty By Nature. Hideously overplayed, and the man deserves to be shot in the kneecap; not only for calling himself "Jeezy" but for saying, among other lines, "If life were a battlefield then I earned stripes." Worthless "gangsta" tripe.
10. Dem Franchise Boys - I Think They Like Me: Some songs are offensive, but this song is genuinely offensive to the ears. Imagine, if you will, about 4 or 5 black Billy Corgans repeating the lines "Oh I think they like me!" over and over AND OVER again. That's the chorus; THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING CHORUS. And the song is about 5 MINUTES LONG.
9. Toby Keith - As Good As I Once Was: Fuck Toby Keith. That is all.
8. David Banner - Play: Way way WAY over the top, an aural sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.
7. Ying Yang Twins - Wait (The Whisper Song): Almost completely indistinguishable from David Banner's Play, but this has a GIMMICK! See, they WHISPER! And it's the WHISPER SONG.
6. Mike Jones - Back Then: And I bet you all thought a black man with Down's Syndrome could never succeed in the world of rap music. Well, suck it, critics!! MI'JONE'! MI'JONE!!
5. Mariah Carey - Shake It Off: Mariah Carey is America's gonnorhea. SHe's been around for what seems like forever, and comes back every couple years to annoy the fuck out of us for a couple months before going back into dormancy. Only this year she's been itching and burning for most of the goddamn year. Where's the Bactine?
4. Crazy Frog - Axel F: Yes, it was supposed to be bad, and I suppose you could say it succeeded marvelously.
3. D4L - Laffy Taffy: See, because a girl's pussy looks like taffy, see, and they want girls to get naked, shake thier ass and show them thier pussies!!! Get it?? GET IT???!!! "If Music be the food of love; play on" indeed!
2. Black Eyed Peas - My Humps: Baby Got Back for a younger, stupider generation. Except not catchy, and actually disgusting. Honestly, "lovely lady lumps???" Thier level of suck knows no bounds.
1. Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl: You know, when I was in college and single me and my buds were amused by the simplest things. For a period of time, this included porn bloopers; scenes from porns that had to be cut because it just didn't make the story flow, I guess. Or the chick in question choked on a big nut. Anyways, I recall one of these where there were two women laying ass-to-ass, about a foot or two apart. A man came in and inserted a peeled banana into Girl #1's rectum, and she shot it out, and Girl #2 attempted to catch it in HER rectum,but she couldn't quite catch it. After almost a minute of constant banana-pooping and uncontrollable laughter, the movie ended without resolve. Did they eventually make it? Did Girl #2 complete the banana game of catch? Or would the director just edit it to make it look like it was caught without any actual success? I may never know. So, the next time you hear "This shit is Bananas!", hopefully you will hear of my plight of uncertainty, and shed a tear for Evil Brian.
