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Friday, January 06, 2006

Year-End Lists, Volume 3: THE 20 (+1) BEST ALBUMS OF 2005!

Here it is, the biggest of the big, the bestest of the best. the 20 (+1) best albums of the year; if you disagree, then you are wrong. There are, of course, many albums I have not listened to, amazing as they may be. But of my own humble musical experiences over the entirety of 2005, these are those that I deem the best and brightest. Other people's opinions be damned!

THE 20 (+1) BEST ALBUMS OF 2005!


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+1: Dane Cook - Retaliation: The absolute laugh-out-loud funniest album to come out in 2005. A step down from Patton Oswalt and David Cross from last year, perhaps, but giggle-inducing nevertheless. I, sadly, have tried the cashew catapult. Don't ask, you don't want to know.
Recommended: Car Alarm, Heist/Monkey, Where's the Handle?


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20: Strapping Young Lad - Alien: The loudest, most chaotic ear-bleeding soul-shattering Canadiens in the world produce thier best album to date. Seriously, Devin Townsend is the hardest working man in metal today, and a psychotic mad scientist at that. Check them out if you hate sanity.
Recommended: Shitstorm, Love?, We Ride


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19: Danger Doom - The Mouse And The Mask: One of the best/weirdest MCs in underground rap and the dude who had the cojones to remix The Beatles against Jay-Z lyrics team up with, for some fucking reason, [adult swim], and produced a guilty pleasure that you...well, don't really feel guilty about liking. So it's a pleasure, is what I'm trying to get at, to listen to these whacked out rhymes, beats, and Masta Shake.
Recommended: The Mask, Old School, Space Ho's


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18: Buckethead & Friends - Enter The Chicken: Buckethead's first ever accessible album, with semi-understandable lyrics and SONG STRUCTURE. I'm still kind of shocked that nobody really picked up on this; it really is his most mainstream work to date, and also includes probably his best instrumental work ever on the last track. This is Buckethead for people who don't "get it". And it's GOOD.
Recommended: We Are One, Coma, Nottingham Lace


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17: Bloc Party - Silent Alarm: Like Franz Ferdinand, only British and more political. This is what you should be listening to, because this is the album that stole Franz Ferdinand's spot on this list. Hearkening back to the glory days of The Clash mixed with...oh, let's say the musical leanings of Devo; a seamless mix of new wave and punk. Why aren't you listening to this yet?
Recommended: Like Eating Glass, Banquet, Price Of Gas, So Here We Are


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16: Chiodos - All's Well That Ends Well: The oddball selection this year, Chiodos is an obscure hardcore/emo/freak band that switches time signatures faster than they can sweat off thier makeup. A ten-car-pileup of noise and notes, melody and disaster, and they do it with crazy fucking style. Like The Blood Brothers on LSD. Honestly one of the better discoveries I've made this year. Don't listen without an extremely open mind.
Recommended: All Nereids Beware, There's No Penguins In Alaska, Baby, You Wouldn't Last A Minute On The Creek



15: Armor For Sleep - What To Do When You Are Dead: Yes, it's emo. Let's get that out of the way right now. However, there's a very good reason that it's on my Top 20 (+1) list. After getting through the first couple stereotypical emo songs, it actually gets to be a very interesting listen. It's a concept album about death and, in a surprisingly non-whiney tone of voice, speculizes on what the afterlife is and what one does there. Some good pop songs, a couple rockers thrown in, it's a decent mix and much, much better than what you might consider emo.
Recommended: Car Underwater, I Have Been Right All Along


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14: General Patton vs. the X-Ecutioners/Fantomas - Suspended Animation: I just couldn't choose, so I'm cheating and putting Mike Patton's two releases together. GPv.X is just incredibly creative, using all turntables and samples under Mike Patton's vocal warblings and (sometimes) LYRICS!!! And Fantomas is, of course Fantomas; this time creating the soundtrack to some sort of warped cartoon (though I could certainly imagine it being the background music to Kung Fu Hustle). No lyrics for Fantomas, just schizophrenic ramblings from practically every Warner Bros. cartoon you've ever seen in your entire life.
Recommended: (GPv.X): L.O.L.-- !LOSER ON LINE! (hate the player, hate the game), !FIRE IN THE HOLE! 0400hrs. (joint special operations task force), (Fantomas): 4/10/05, 4/13/05, 4/20/05


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13: The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan: The White Stripes return by making an album that sounds (almost) like a perfect cross between thier previous two. From the sickeningly sweet My Doorbell to the crazy loud Blue Orchid, they hit upon every nuance of what makes them popular, and Jack White makes that shit WORK.
Recommended: My Doorbell, Blue Orchid, The Denial Twist, The Nurse



12: Sigur Ros - Takk...: Sigur Ros strikes again! Apparently this time they sang thier songs in an actual language instead of simply making it all up, but it all still sounds like gibberish to me. Happier, poppier gibberish, but gibberish nonetheless. You'd sing along if you had the slightest idea what they were saying. Just try matching syllables together...nobody will notice...
Recommended: Hoppipolla, Glosoli, Saeglopur



11: Kanye West - Late Registration: Another stellar album for Mr. West! While not as immediately indispensible as his debut, Late Registration burns slow, and gradually grows and grows on you. If it weren't for his repellant and reprehensible self-aggrandizing, this would be irresistable. A hit despite having someone from Maroon 5 involved with it.
Recommended: Heard 'Em Say, Gold Digger, Diamonds of Sierra Leone (Remix), Roses



10: Corrosion Of Conformity - In the Arms Of God: The single best traditional metal band in America, no exceptions. Old school, heavy-as-shit riffs, walls of guitars, intense drumming and chant-along choruses. Just dirty, grungy, nasty fucking Southern metal. If Black Sabbath debuted today, this is what they would sound like, no exaggeration. Turn it to 11 and put your horns up, motherfuckers.
Recommended: Stone Breaker, Dirty Hands Empty Pockets, Infinite War



09: Thrice - Vheissu: The single most creative post-hardcore band working today. Switching time signatures every couple dozen measures, utilizing chain gang vocals and music boxes into some Deftones' "White Pony"-style songs. Loud/soft dynamics with interesting-as-hell lyrics and fun chant-alongs. Much less metallic and much more matjure than thier past releases.
Recommended: The Earth Will Shake, Atlantic, Between the End and Where We Lie, Image of the Invisible



08: Sage Francis - A Healthy Distrust: One of the best rappers in the underground, and one of the very few revolutionary ones. He's signed to a punk label for a reason. Pissed off, intellectual and political; one hell of a dangerous combination. PLUS he gives it up for Johnny Cash. If Public Enemy was one white dude, Sage would be Public Enemy Number One. One, One One.
Recommended: Slow Down Gandhi, Gunz Yo, The Buzzkill, Escape Artist



07: Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth: After seeing just how far he can push his fanbase with the extremely experimental and (some would say) overly long The Fragile, Trent Reznor returned to the industrial/dark pop that made his ass famous with With Teeth. More song-oriented than anything he's released since Pretty Hate Machine, Teeth combines the usual dark brooding lyrics with uber-glossy production, noise noise NOISE and plenty of 'fuck's to keep the kids happy. Even pushing 40, the man knows how to get that adolescent blood flowing in all of us and keep us entertained. Now, if he could just release more than two albums per decade, he may be on to something.
Recommended: All the Love In the World, Only, Every Day Is Exactly the Same



06: Beck - Guero: Beck gets out of his weepy-folk depression and gets back to the Dadaist funk/folk that made his ass famous. Seriously, some of his best work is on this album, along with some of his funkiest beats. I may have no idea what in the holy hell he's trying to say, but damn if it isn't fun to hear him say it.
Recommended: Hell Yes, E-Pro, Girl, Black Tambourine



05: Gorillaz - Demon Days: It really is incredible just how popular this band is in America. Rock. Folk. Pop. Rap. SPOKEN WORD. These guys do everything under the fucking sun, and do it in this slightly off-kilter way; and yet everything they do comes out nigh perfect. It took me a few listens before everything really sunk in, but thier dark version of crazy cartoon pop music is just as potent this time around as it was the first time. This album has some of the best songs of the past 4 or 5 years. Plus any band willing to spread the magic of MF Doom to the mainstream gets bonus points in my book.
Recommended: Feel Good Inc., Dare, Last Living Souls, November Has Come, Fire Coming Out Of a Monkey's Head



04: Coheed and Cambria - Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through the Eyes Of Madness: The single most pretentiously-titled album since that one Fiona Apple album (and at least she didn't stick a Volume number in there), this is also the most artistically fun album I've listened to in a long, long time. Part of the band's ongoing and totally confusing, convoluted 5-album concept story, Good Apollo features writers, demonic bicycles, monsters and interstellar peril, all to incredibly creative guitarwork and brilliant other-instruments. Seriously though, these guys are well-versed in both progressive and punk music; putting in brainy time signatures and wild sci-fi stories, but not being afraid to include some catchy choruses, sing-alongs, and plenty of "whoa oh-oh-oh-oh's". Even if you have no idea what in the holy hell they're singing about, it's all in good fun, and you just might find out that prog music is much better than you thought it was. But it's still nerdy. Very, very nerdy.
Recommended: Welcome Home, Apollo I: The Writing Writer, Ten Speed (Of God's Blood and Burial)



03: System Of A Down - Mesmerize/Hypnotize: I honestly can't listen to just one or the other album anymore. It all seems like one cohesive unit, though it's from one of the least cohesive bands in recent memory. This is the evolution of nu-metal; it has been changed and rearranged into something more different, more worthy, more listenable and more respectable than anything released during that dark time of the late 90's. This is a band that not only has embraced the awesomeness of Faith No More, they have taken it that next step; made the sound thier own. Probably the only band in existence that could go from ultra-political anthems to songs about bananas and heroin junkies. Both musically and lyrically, they're all over the map, and praise allah they are.
Recommended: B.Y.O.B., Sad Statue, Attack, Soldier Side, Dreaming



02: The Mars Volta - Frances The Mute: If Coheed and Cambria are this generation's Rush, then The Mars Volta is this generation's Pink Floyd. Blending absolute nonsense lyrics with prog-rock grandiosity, punk rock intensity and latin rhythms, this is the most extraordinary thing I've ever heard. This actually makes thier first album sound SONG-BASED, as they meander through 5 aural puzzles, including the sprawling final 30+ minute song Cassandra Gemini. Supposedly, it's about a dead bandmember, but lord only knows how many drugs you'd need to take to decipher that message from songs like L'Via L'Viaquez. From an instrumental point of view, it's absolutely mind-boggling.
Recommended: The Widow, Cygnus...Vismund Cygnus




And of course, the very best album from 2005. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you...







01: eels - Blinking Lights and Other Revelations: Soul-crushing. Absolutely soul-crushing. Mark Everett is one of the premier poets/lyricists of our times, and it should be an honor to witness the man at the height of his creativity. Seriously, some of the finest lo-fi pop/rock songs you'll hear in years coupled with short, mournful/cheerful instrumental pieces and E's familiarly fuzzy, beatnik vocals all over it. Songs range from emotionally devastating to devastatingly cynical, but none of these songs will leave you unchanged. Seriously, this release just skipped over electro-shock blues as the best eels album ever, and I always thought that was untouchable. I was wrong and, if you underestimate the eels, you'll be proven wrong as well. I can't recommend this album highly enough, I can't say enough good things about it, and I can't stop listening to it. In other words, this IS the best album of the year 2005.
Recommended: Hey Man (Now You're Really Living), Son of a Bitch, Blinking Lights (For Me), Suicide Life, Going Fetal, Last Time We Spoke, I'm Going to Stop Pretending..., Whatever Happened to Soy Bomb, Things the Grandchildren Should Know

# posted by Evil Brian @ 4:17 PM
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Monday, January 02, 2006

Year End Lists, Volume Two: The 20 Worst Singles of 2005

The best have been presented to you, so now must the worst, the very bottom of the barrel, the mouth-breathers, if you will, of the year's musical spectrum be revealed. So here they are, the most disgusting sounds of the past 365 days. Enjoy!

The 20 Worst Singles of 2005


20. Madonna - Hung Up: Because what would a Worst Single list be without Madonna?

19. 50 cent - Disco Inferno
18. 50 cent - Candy Shop
17. 50 cent - Just a Lil Bit: Yeah, it was way too easy to put 3 50 Cent songs in a row on here; but guess what? He's just fucking awful. And all three of these songs feature retarded thug posturing, ham-fisted sexual metaphors and reminders that Hey! 50 got SHOT! Fuck him for lowering the bar.

16. Korn - Twisted Transistor: They just keep getting worse and worse. Seriously, guys. If you're not gonna take this shit seriously anymore, just retire instead of jerking these kids around that don't know any better.

15. Nickelback - Photograph: Still making albums, still sucking balls. Honestly, who buys their albums anymore other than well-meaning grandparents who don't know any better?

14. Pussycat Dolls - Don't Cha: Short answer No. Long answer No and work the balls while you're on your knees.

13. Mariah Carey - We Belong Together: Hey, hats off to Mariah Carey for expanding her artistic vision on her latest album. She's really distanced herself from the late-80's/early-90's Mariah that sang a bunch of sappy, weepy love songs. Now she calls herself Mimi sometimes. Keep reaching for that brass ring, Mimi!

12. Coldplay - Fix You: I used to at least respect Coldplay. I mean they had a COUPLE good songs off thier past two albums. But this, this is just boring as shit.

11. Young Jeezy featuring Akon - Soul Survivor: Sounds like one of the Chipmunks singing in between verses laid down by a low-rent Treach from Naughty By Nature. Hideously overplayed, and the man deserves to be shot in the kneecap; not only for calling himself "Jeezy" but for saying, among other lines, "If life were a battlefield then I earned stripes." Worthless "gangsta" tripe.

10. Dem Franchise Boys - I Think They Like Me: Some songs are offensive, but this song is genuinely offensive to the ears. Imagine, if you will, about 4 or 5 black Billy Corgans repeating the lines "Oh I think they like me!" over and over AND OVER again. That's the chorus; THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING CHORUS. And the song is about 5 MINUTES LONG.

9. Toby Keith - As Good As I Once Was: Fuck Toby Keith. That is all.

8. David Banner - Play: Way way WAY over the top, an aural sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.

7. Ying Yang Twins - Wait (The Whisper Song): Almost completely indistinguishable from David Banner's Play, but this has a GIMMICK! See, they WHISPER! And it's the WHISPER SONG.

6. Mike Jones - Back Then: And I bet you all thought a black man with Down's Syndrome could never succeed in the world of rap music. Well, suck it, critics!! MI'JONE'! MI'JONE!!

5. Mariah Carey - Shake It Off: Mariah Carey is America's gonnorhea. SHe's been around for what seems like forever, and comes back every couple years to annoy the fuck out of us for a couple months before going back into dormancy. Only this year she's been itching and burning for most of the goddamn year. Where's the Bactine?

4. Crazy Frog - Axel F: Yes, it was supposed to be bad, and I suppose you could say it succeeded marvelously.

3. D4L - Laffy Taffy: See, because a girl's pussy looks like taffy, see, and they want girls to get naked, shake thier ass and show them thier pussies!!! Get it?? GET IT???!!! "If Music be the food of love; play on" indeed!

2. Black Eyed Peas - My Humps: Baby Got Back for a younger, stupider generation. Except not catchy, and actually disgusting. Honestly, "lovely lady lumps???" Thier level of suck knows no bounds.

1. Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl: You know, when I was in college and single me and my buds were amused by the simplest things. For a period of time, this included porn bloopers; scenes from porns that had to be cut because it just didn't make the story flow, I guess. Or the chick in question choked on a big nut. Anyways, I recall one of these where there were two women laying ass-to-ass, about a foot or two apart. A man came in and inserted a peeled banana into Girl #1's rectum, and she shot it out, and Girl #2 attempted to catch it in HER rectum,but she couldn't quite catch it. After almost a minute of constant banana-pooping and uncontrollable laughter, the movie ended without resolve. Did they eventually make it? Did Girl #2 complete the banana game of catch? Or would the director just edit it to make it look like it was caught without any actual success? I may never know. So, the next time you hear "This shit is Bananas!", hopefully you will hear of my plight of uncertainty, and shed a tear for Evil Brian.

# posted by Evil Brian @ 1:39 AM
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