Friday, June 03, 2005
Random Meaningless Top 10 List, Volume 2
It's been a hella busy week as I prep myself for my full time job that starts Monday, so there've been even less posts than usual here and, for that, I apologize. I also apologize to my friends for not talking online as much as I usually do. Again, I've just been beat to shit this week; and I don't assume it'll get any better when I'm working 8-10 hours a day, but I shall certainly try. Anyways, this week I have a non-Music related Top 10 list for you all. It is, however, still related to pop culture, as I am a pop culture junkie loudmouth (Quentin Tarentino?).
It's a Star Wars list, but before you start reading and then blast me for blasting the flicks, know that I'm a HUGE Star Wars nerd and, in the month preceding Episode III, probably watched the entire first 5 movies about 12 times, if not more. I also am a 23 year old with a Chewbacca figure in my car (with WOOKIE RAGE!!!). Hey, I make fun of the ones I love, what can I say?
I tried, tried not to concentrate too heavily on the prequels, but what're you gonna do?
Oh, and this also might contain spoilers, but only if you're a lame motherfucker.
Top 10 Worst Moments in Star Wars
(SPOILERS!!!11!1!!1!!!!oneone!)
10. Leia sucking face with her BROTHER, Episode V. Incestuousness is NOT awesome.
9. "But I was gonna go to Toshii Station...", Episode IV. Our first glimpse of the savior of the Jedi religion is of Luke whining like a spoiled fuck. Eventually, you just wait to see the Sand People clock him upside the head so he shuts up. You can't tell me you don't giggle (or at least smirk) when it happens.
8. The Pod Race, Episode I. Cool-looking, but useless. Kinda like my cock, but that's another story.
7. The entire C3-PO portion of the arena in Episode II. HA HA HA!!! PUNS ARE TEH FUNNAY!!! Let's use them intermittently for 12 fucking minutes!!!!
6. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", Episode III. I laughed SO HARD when that happened I just about fell out of my seat.
5. Ewoks killing Stormtroopers with sticks and rocks, Episode VI. Seriously, what the fuck? They're fucking SOLDIERS and they get thier asses kicked by fucking teddy bears with twigs? And speaking of stormtroopers...
4. Stormtroopers being unable to hit the broadside of a fucking starship, Episodes II-VI. Aren't they supposed to be clones of Jango Fett, the greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy? Aren't they bred exclusively to be soldiers? then how the fuck can they miss EVERY FUCKING SHOT?? Unless it's like The Cloning episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force; you know, "matter breaks down over time" and all that. But even so, they would only be on thier, what, 2nd or 3rd regeneration by Episode IV? There shouldn't be THAT much dissonance in the genepool to fuck them up to the point where they can't aim a gun properly, which is ALL THEY HAVE TO FUCKING DO. If I had a job where all I had to do was wave my dick at traffic, and I couldn't quite swing it around properly, I'd be fired on the spot in lieu of a more experienced dick-waver. And these fuckers have a boss that will just straight fucking kill thier ass if they so much as give him bad news. How can there still be an army of the cocksuckers by Episode V if all they do is fuck up?
3. "I hate sand...", Episode II. Thus began the most awkward-sounding, convoluted pick-up line it has ever been my displeasure to witness. Shit, I come up with better pick-up lines when I'm wasted off my ass (which, coincidentally, is the ONLY time I ever use pick-up lines).
2. "It's so wonderful Ani! You have brought hope to those that had none!", Episode I. All he did was win a fucking pod race! "'Hope to those that had none??' Fuck you, Mom!" Every single time I watch the movie and that line comes up, I scream at the screen. Hope to those that...what the fuck are you talking about, you overly-melodramatic cunt? Jesus Christ, I believe in positive reinforcement and all that, but it's not like he saved lives or fucking gave everyone in the arena a blowjob, he just won a fucking race. And you can talk about "Oh, but he's the first human to..." all you want; I don't fucking care. This was not some heroic feat to inspire the galaxy.
Oh, and she couldn't have possibly been less enthusiastic delivering that line if she had just found out that her mother died. Still, it's nothing compared to...
1. "Meesa Jar-Jar Binks!", Episode I. Yeah, that was a good fucking idea, wasn't it asshole? Not only did he manage to suck the cool out of every single scene he was in, he turned an epic battle scene into a fucking old-timey colored-folk-show slapstick comedy routine. A retarded racist stereotype that nobody either identified with or enjoyed. The only time I laughed was when he got hurt. That, my friends, was the beginning of the end.
There you go, the 10 absolute worst moments in the entire Star Wars saga. I don't think there's anything to really disagree with here, but feel free to leave comments in the appropriate section.
EDIT: Also, I meant to correct last week's list but never got around to it, as I made one huge glaring omission. Basically, push everyone down one spot, and insert Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden at Number One. About 30 years into the game, and he still fucking OWNS.
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It's been a hella busy week as I prep myself for my full time job that starts Monday, so there've been even less posts than usual here and, for that, I apologize. I also apologize to my friends for not talking online as much as I usually do. Again, I've just been beat to shit this week; and I don't assume it'll get any better when I'm working 8-10 hours a day, but I shall certainly try. Anyways, this week I have a non-Music related Top 10 list for you all. It is, however, still related to pop culture, as I am a pop culture junkie loudmouth (Quentin Tarentino?).
It's a Star Wars list, but before you start reading and then blast me for blasting the flicks, know that I'm a HUGE Star Wars nerd and, in the month preceding Episode III, probably watched the entire first 5 movies about 12 times, if not more. I also am a 23 year old with a Chewbacca figure in my car (with WOOKIE RAGE!!!). Hey, I make fun of the ones I love, what can I say?
I tried, tried not to concentrate too heavily on the prequels, but what're you gonna do?
Oh, and this also might contain spoilers, but only if you're a lame motherfucker.
Top 10 Worst Moments in Star Wars
(SPOILERS!!!11!1!!1!!!!oneone!)
10. Leia sucking face with her BROTHER, Episode V. Incestuousness is NOT awesome.
9. "But I was gonna go to Toshii Station...", Episode IV. Our first glimpse of the savior of the Jedi religion is of Luke whining like a spoiled fuck. Eventually, you just wait to see the Sand People clock him upside the head so he shuts up. You can't tell me you don't giggle (or at least smirk) when it happens.
8. The Pod Race, Episode I. Cool-looking, but useless. Kinda like my cock, but that's another story.
7. The entire C3-PO portion of the arena in Episode II. HA HA HA!!! PUNS ARE TEH FUNNAY!!! Let's use them intermittently for 12 fucking minutes!!!!
6. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", Episode III. I laughed SO HARD when that happened I just about fell out of my seat.
5. Ewoks killing Stormtroopers with sticks and rocks, Episode VI. Seriously, what the fuck? They're fucking SOLDIERS and they get thier asses kicked by fucking teddy bears with twigs? And speaking of stormtroopers...
4. Stormtroopers being unable to hit the broadside of a fucking starship, Episodes II-VI. Aren't they supposed to be clones of Jango Fett, the greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy? Aren't they bred exclusively to be soldiers? then how the fuck can they miss EVERY FUCKING SHOT?? Unless it's like The Cloning episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force; you know, "matter breaks down over time" and all that. But even so, they would only be on thier, what, 2nd or 3rd regeneration by Episode IV? There shouldn't be THAT much dissonance in the genepool to fuck them up to the point where they can't aim a gun properly, which is ALL THEY HAVE TO FUCKING DO. If I had a job where all I had to do was wave my dick at traffic, and I couldn't quite swing it around properly, I'd be fired on the spot in lieu of a more experienced dick-waver. And these fuckers have a boss that will just straight fucking kill thier ass if they so much as give him bad news. How can there still be an army of the cocksuckers by Episode V if all they do is fuck up?
3. "I hate sand...", Episode II. Thus began the most awkward-sounding, convoluted pick-up line it has ever been my displeasure to witness. Shit, I come up with better pick-up lines when I'm wasted off my ass (which, coincidentally, is the ONLY time I ever use pick-up lines).
2. "It's so wonderful Ani! You have brought hope to those that had none!", Episode I. All he did was win a fucking pod race! "'Hope to those that had none??' Fuck you, Mom!" Every single time I watch the movie and that line comes up, I scream at the screen. Hope to those that...what the fuck are you talking about, you overly-melodramatic cunt? Jesus Christ, I believe in positive reinforcement and all that, but it's not like he saved lives or fucking gave everyone in the arena a blowjob, he just won a fucking race. And you can talk about "Oh, but he's the first human to..." all you want; I don't fucking care. This was not some heroic feat to inspire the galaxy.
Oh, and she couldn't have possibly been less enthusiastic delivering that line if she had just found out that her mother died. Still, it's nothing compared to...
1. "Meesa Jar-Jar Binks!", Episode I. Yeah, that was a good fucking idea, wasn't it asshole? Not only did he manage to suck the cool out of every single scene he was in, he turned an epic battle scene into a fucking old-timey colored-folk-show slapstick comedy routine. A retarded racist stereotype that nobody either identified with or enjoyed. The only time I laughed was when he got hurt. That, my friends, was the beginning of the end.
There you go, the 10 absolute worst moments in the entire Star Wars saga. I don't think there's anything to really disagree with here, but feel free to leave comments in the appropriate section.
EDIT: Also, I meant to correct last week's list but never got around to it, as I made one huge glaring omission. Basically, push everyone down one spot, and insert Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden at Number One. About 30 years into the game, and he still fucking OWNS.
