Evil Brian's Evil Thoughts...it's a MotherFucker

Random Meaningless Top 10 List: Volume 5

Busy busy busy fuckin' week. And tomorrow morning I get to get up at SIX IN THE FUCKING MORNING because there's some regional fuckass meeting at Foxwoods.

Anyways, enough of my bitching. This week's list was inspired by Spin magazine putting out thier "100 Greatest Albums, 1998-2005." I'm only doing 10, but it was hard as hell trying to whittle it all down to just 10. Argue if you must:


10. Faith No More - Angel Dust
9. Alice In Chains - Facelift
8. Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral
7. The Pixies - Doolittle
6. The Cure - Disintegration
5. Metallica - Master of Puppets
4. Beck - Odelay
3. Guns N Roses - Appetite For Destruction
2. Radiohead - OK Computer
1. The Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie & the Infinite Sadness

Today Really IS the Greatest Day I've Ever Known!

No seriously, check out the greatest news in the history of rock music. I'm a grown man, and I'm jumping up and down in excitement.

From Reuters:

CHICAGO (Reuters) - Singer Billy Corgan said on Tuesday he plans to revive The Smashing Pumpkins, his Grammy-winning band which broke up in 2000 after more than a decade of blending alternative rock with the avant-garde.

In full-page advertisements in Chicago newspapers, the bald-headed Corgan said, "I want my band back, and my songs, and my dreams."

He did not say which if any of the band's former members would be involved in the revived group, which broke through with albums such as "Gish" and "Siamese Dream."

The Pumpkins' top selling album was "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" which came out in 1995, but as the 1990s progressed their work became increasingly obscure as tensions arose in the group.

They broke up over differences among its four members and Corgan has since jumped from project to project but failed to match his early success.

Corgan, based in Chicago, has just released a solo album, "TheFutureEmbrace" on Reprise Records.

He did not say when he would try to reform the Pumpkins but the new album "represents a new beginning, not an ending. It picks up the thread of the as-yet-unfinished work and charter of The Smashing Pumpkins," he said.

Random Meaningless Top 10 List: Volume 4

Better late than never, that's what I always say. Especially when I'm running late on things. Anyways, it's been an interesting second week of management, nothing unusual to report. They have me learning to drive the tractor. Not a farmer tractor of course, a tractor-trailer tractor. And, having never driven a standard automobile before, it was an interesting 15 minutes. I actually was able to get it up to 4th gear before I started grinding the clutch, and at one point I shifted so....let's say 'harshly', that I tore one of the side mirrors off. Didn't hit anything though, so that's a plus.

Anyways, this week's Top 10 List was inspired by a recent thread on FARK.com. Call me a pussy if you want, but I guaran-damn-tee you any of you have cried at at least one movie in your life. And, more than likely, it's one off my list.


10. Bambi - You know which part; the part everyone cries at.

9. Independence Day - "We will not vanish without a fight!" I know how retarded this looks, but trust me. Every time that damn speech comes up, I get all teary-eyed. Damn Bill Pullman.

8. Requiem For a Dream - The last 15 or so minutes. Still the most depressing movie I've ever watched.

7. Mr. Smith Goes To Washington - Towards the end of his filibuster. This movie single-handedly re-established my faith in America.

6. A.I. - the Blue Fairy. It's EXACTLY like the 'Jurassic Bark' episode of Futurama, the saddest episode of any television show ever. Oh, if only the movie had stopped there...

5. Chasing Amy - "I love you, and not in a friendly way..." Yeah, I know it's Ben Affleck. But I've felt exactly like this more times than I can count.

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - "make up a goodbye, at least. Let's pretend we had one." Such an awesome, powerful and emotional movie. There's probably 4 or 5 parts I
tear up at, but at this part it happens every damn time.

3. It's A Wonderful Life - "To my brother, the richest man in town!" gets me every time. Damn you, Frank Capra!

2. LOTR:ROTK - Frodo hugs Sam and boards the ship...I just can't help myself. The saddest happy ending in all of film.

1. Field Of Dreams - "You wanna have a catch?" Fuck, my eyes are getting wet just thinking about it.

Since Everyone Else Is Doing It

Biggety BAM!

Your IQ Is 135

Your Logical Intelligence is Exceptional Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Genius

Random Meaningless Top 10 List, Volume 3

I truly do apologize for the lack of updates on the blog, but I've been getting used to my new job which, unfortunately, has me working upwards of 50 hours a week, making me tired as shit. Anyways, for this week's Top 10, I was insired by my local "Classic Rock that REALLY rocks!" station, WPLR 99.1. It's absolute shit, and they play the same 25-30 songs ALL THE FUCK DAY (and it's the only decent radio station that comes in in our giant warehouse). So, here you go:


10. THE ROLLING STONES - BEAST OF BURDEN; That's right, I said it.

9. STEVE MILLER BAND - THE JOKER; Okay. I get it. "Woooo, I'm a midnight toker! Hooray for pot!" Retarded fucking lyrics, and that *Woop Whaaaaaaaah* after the "some people call me Maurice" is the worst thing to happen to rock music since white people.

8. THE DOORS - TOUCH ME; The Doors have put out some artsy, weird shit (seriously, Peace Frog?? WTF is a peace frog?!?), but I swear to God the first time I heard this song on the radio I thought it was some Neil Diamond/lounge singer shit.

7. ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA - DON'T BRING ME DOWN; Lame-fucking-ass. Dude, they did the soundtrack to fucking Xanadu! You don't rebound from that, especially when your music sounds like a pussy stuffed with daffodils.

6. PAUL MCCARTNEY - BLUEBIRD; Leaving The Beatles was the beginning of the end for Paul McCartney putting out halfway decent music. Sure, Live and Let Die was cool, but mostly because Guns N' Roses made it kick ass.

5. THE KINKS - LOLA; The Kinks are an awesome band, but this song is just SO fucking bad. It would be higher, except that I can sing Weird Al's "Yoda" over it, and it makes the experience somewhat more pleasant.

4. STYX - THE GRAND ILLUSION; The lamest band in the world, whose only real success was putting out the most hilariously bad song in 2 decades. Seriously, who DOESN'T love to scream the lyrics to Mr. Roboto? It's a road trip staple in my car.

3. JIMMY BUFFET - MARGARITAVILLE; The only reason he still has a career is because of spoiled baby boomer motherfuckers. Parrotheads can go suck a dick; Buffet sucked 30 years ago, he sucks now.

2. MEAT LOAF - PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT; Every drama geek I've ever met in my entire life loves this song, and every single wrap party I've been to they play it and everyone goes apeshit. As much as I love my drama geek homies, Meat Loaf is just awful, and this is the worst example of his awfulness. I still don't understand how the fuck this guy got popular.

1. EAGLES - HOTEL CALIFORNIA; Fuck the Eagles, man. Fuck 'em. The solo at the end is the only noteworthy part of the entire song, and even that doesn't make up for the immense aural shit that precedes it.

Album Reviews Out The Ass

This past Tuesday sucked for me financially, as FIVE separate albums that I was incredibly interested in were released on the same goddamn day. Some ended up slightly disappointing, some fantastically amazing. Here, I give you my views on five very different albums.

DREAM THEATER - OCTAVARIUM: THIS, This is metal. It is quite remarkable how Dream Theater can continue to impress me more and more with each successive release. Now, I am no prog-aholic or Dream Theater fanboy by any stretch of the imagination, but this just might be one of the finest metal releases of 2005 (though it's still nothing compared to the new Corrosion of Conformity) With songs that rival The Mars Volta in both length and aspiration and at least two songs of concentrated kickass (Panic Attack and the amazing ten minute-plus anti-war diatribe Sacrificed Sons), this is definitely a must-listen.

AVENGED SEVENFOLD - CITY OF EVIL: A metal album with songs celebrating both Hunter S. Thompson and Dimebag Darrell, and yet it is somewhat disappointing. See, in 2003, Avenged Sevenfold released "Waking the Fallen", which was an awesome force of punk, power metal, metalcore, and Iron Maiden-esque riffing and noodling. The lead singer (M. Shadows. Yes, he looks like a goth/punk asshole) spent that entire album screaming his ass off and then switching to clean vocals which, while rather weak, sounded really good when thrust between walls of screaming. He then burst a blood vessel on his vocal cords and had a doctor tell him to stop all the damn screaming, as he was quickly losing his voice. Thus, on this much-hyped new album, there is MUCH less screaming and, as such, he relies mostly on his still weak voice. It then sounds like a metal version of Stone Temple Pilots (real metal, not that Velvet Revolver bullshit). Not as good as "Waking the Fallen", but not horrible. Good for a listen or two.

DEATH BY STEREO - DEATH FOR LIFE: This, however, is much better as long as you like weird-ass-sounding vocalists. Lots of punk-metal fury with Mike Patton-esque vocals. The album Avenged Sevenfold SHOULD have released.

COLDPLAY - X&Y: Not nearly as interesting as "Rush Of Blood...", though not exactly boring. They went through about 3 albums' worth of material to get here. I can't help but think that any of those other albums could've had more interesting tracks than this one.

THE WHITE STRIPES - GET BEHIND ME SATAN: What an album. What a great fucking album. Think about a bluesy, country White Album. It's that good.

Nobody Buys Singles Nowadays

...but I did just that. Today I picked up the first single I've bought in years, and it is truly strange. It's for The White Stripes' Blue Orchid, and it be bizarre. I paid $4.50 for 4 tracks. Let's take a look at it:

1. Blue Orchid. The song's just bad-fucking-ass. Loud as hell with strange high-pitched vocals. Almost worth the price of the single alone. My only complaint is that it's so damn short.

2. Who's a Big Baby? Have you ever heard of The Residents? They're one of the main inspirations for Ween and other long-haired freaky people. This song could easily be passed off as an obscure Residents b-side. Completely wierd, lots of vocal effects (you can barely tell that it's Meg singing) and not one guitar within earshot.

3. Though I Hear You Calling, I Will Not Answer. This track sounds like Jack White's doing a song for the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack...with Alvin & the Chipmunks.

4. You've Got Her In Your Pocket (Live). Nice live track from Elephant.

Overall, you've got about 13 minutes of aural wierdness, half of which sounds NOTHING like the White Stripes. I'd say this is just for hardcore fans and completists, because the b-sides just aren't made for rockin' out.

Still, can't wait for Tuesday. I'm gonna be so poor; there's FIVE albums coming out that I'm gonna have to pick up.

The Greatest Joke Ever

I tried to link to this a long while ago, but the person pulled it from thier site before anyone could gaze upon it. Well, I found it again and remembered how awesome it was, so here I am linking to it again.

Evidently, Penn Gillette from Penn & Teller has made an entire movie about famous people telling thier own version of an absolutely filthy vaudeville-era joke that's not really a joke. South Park did thier own version. Here is The Aristocrats.

By the by, if you wouldn't let your kids read my profanity-laced tirades or read them at work, you better damn well not view the link. As profane as I can get, this is just new levels of outrageous mind-fucking.

You will also laugh your ass off. Enjoy.

Random Meaningless Top 10 List, Volume 2

It's been a hella busy week as I prep myself for my full time job that starts Monday, so there've been even less posts than usual here and, for that, I apologize. I also apologize to my friends for not talking online as much as I usually do. Again, I've just been beat to shit this week; and I don't assume it'll get any better when I'm working 8-10 hours a day, but I shall certainly try. Anyways, this week I have a non-Music related Top 10 list for you all. It is, however, still related to pop culture, as I am a pop culture junkie loudmouth (Quentin Tarentino?).

It's a Star Wars list, but before you start reading and then blast me for blasting the flicks, know that I'm a HUGE Star Wars nerd and, in the month preceding Episode III, probably watched the entire first 5 movies about 12 times, if not more. I also am a 23 year old with a Chewbacca figure in my car (with WOOKIE RAGE!!!). Hey, I make fun of the ones I love, what can I say?

I tried, tried not to concentrate too heavily on the prequels, but what're you gonna do?

Oh, and this also might contain spoilers, but only if you're a lame motherfucker.

Top 10 Worst Moments in Star Wars
(SPOILERS!!!11!1!!1!!!!oneone!)

10. Leia sucking face with her BROTHER, Episode V. Incestuousness is NOT awesome.

9. "But I was gonna go to Toshii Station...", Episode IV. Our first glimpse of the savior of the Jedi religion is of Luke whining like a spoiled fuck. Eventually, you just wait to see the Sand People clock him upside the head so he shuts up. You can't tell me you don't giggle (or at least smirk) when it happens.

8. The Pod Race, Episode I. Cool-looking, but useless. Kinda like my cock, but that's another story.

7. The entire C3-PO portion of the arena in Episode II. HA HA HA!!! PUNS ARE TEH FUNNAY!!! Let's use them intermittently for 12 fucking minutes!!!!

6. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", Episode III. I laughed SO HARD when that happened I just about fell out of my seat.

5. Ewoks killing Stormtroopers with sticks and rocks, Episode VI. Seriously, what the fuck? They're fucking SOLDIERS and they get thier asses kicked by fucking teddy bears with twigs? And speaking of stormtroopers...

4. Stormtroopers being unable to hit the broadside of a fucking starship, Episodes II-VI. Aren't they supposed to be clones of Jango Fett, the greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy? Aren't they bred exclusively to be soldiers? then how the fuck can they miss EVERY FUCKING SHOT?? Unless it's like The Cloning episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force; you know, "matter breaks down over time" and all that. But even so, they would only be on thier, what, 2nd or 3rd regeneration by Episode IV? There shouldn't be THAT much dissonance in the genepool to fuck them up to the point where they can't aim a gun properly, which is ALL THEY HAVE TO FUCKING DO. If I had a job where all I had to do was wave my dick at traffic, and I couldn't quite swing it around properly, I'd be fired on the spot in lieu of a more experienced dick-waver. And these fuckers have a boss that will just straight fucking kill thier ass if they so much as give him bad news. How can there still be an army of the cocksuckers by Episode V if all they do is fuck up?

3. "I hate sand...", Episode II. Thus began the most awkward-sounding, convoluted pick-up line it has ever been my displeasure to witness. Shit, I come up with better pick-up lines when I'm wasted off my ass (which, coincidentally, is the ONLY time I ever use pick-up lines).

2. "It's so wonderful Ani! You have brought hope to those that had none!", Episode I. All he did was win a fucking pod race! "'Hope to those that had none??' Fuck you, Mom!" Every single time I watch the movie and that line comes up, I scream at the screen. Hope to those that...what the fuck are you talking about, you overly-melodramatic cunt? Jesus Christ, I believe in positive reinforcement and all that, but it's not like he saved lives or fucking gave everyone in the arena a blowjob, he just won a fucking race. And you can talk about "Oh, but he's the first human to..." all you want; I don't fucking care. This was not some heroic feat to inspire the galaxy.

Oh, and she couldn't have possibly been less enthusiastic delivering that line if she had just found out that her mother died. Still, it's nothing compared to...

1. "Meesa Jar-Jar Binks!", Episode I. Yeah, that was a good fucking idea, wasn't it asshole? Not only did he manage to suck the cool out of every single scene he was in, he turned an epic battle scene into a fucking old-timey colored-folk-show slapstick comedy routine. A retarded racist stereotype that nobody either identified with or enjoyed. The only time I laughed was when he got hurt. That, my friends, was the beginning of the end.


There you go, the 10 absolute worst moments in the entire Star Wars saga. I don't think there's anything to really disagree with here, but feel free to leave comments in the appropriate section.

EDIT: Also, I meant to correct last week's list but never got around to it, as I made one huge glaring omission. Basically, push everyone down one spot, and insert Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden at Number One. About 30 years into the game, and he still fucking OWNS.

Further Proving How Awesome I Am