Evil Brian's Evil Thoughts...it's a MotherFucker

The Spin Machine Never Sleeps
or
Nothing Is Sacred 'Cept Blaming The Clinton

Some things just shouldn't be fucked with.

Most people, by now, have recognized Fox News' tendency to not just distort or bend, but to totally obliterate the truth and relocate it to thier side of the political spectrum. This is to be expected. But you would think, with all thier conservative propositioning and thier claim to be fair and balanced, that they would PRETEND to be above name-calling and nonsensical, totally irrelevant political spinning. Not so, as it would seem.

Now, I haven't been a practicing Catholic for many years now. And those last couple were just to make my Dad happy for the most part. Believe me, you don't know boredom until you've attended Sunday School for 12 long years. The death of Pope John Paul II hasn't really affected me at all. Hell, I was out immersed in the ultra-violence of Sin City when he finally croaked. But even I'll say that he was, overall, a pretty swell guy. Sure, he got mixed in with the wrong crowd, and some of his ideas regarding marriage and sexual freedom were a bit ancient; but HE was ancient. He did a lot of good in his time and, though I don't subscribe to his particular invisible-man worship, I respect what he did.

So, if I can respect the man's memory, you would think that a network that has all but branded itself 700 Club II would be able to let the poor guy die without trying to demonize Democrats and liberals across the board. You would think that even the "fair and balanced" Bush Blowjob network could let the poor guy die in peace. You would think that, for once in his miserable and meaningless existence, John Gibson could hold off being a douchebag for 10 fucking minutes. You would, as it turns out, be completely and totally wrong.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Now, for those of you who can't stand any link branded with that little Fox News logo, I'll cut-and-pastify, and add some commentary on the whole thing.

JOHN GIBSON, HOST: Former President Bill Clinton was back on Air Force One and he wasted no time getting down to business. Talking to reporters, he compared himself to the pope saying, "Like all of us, he, the pope, may have a mixed legacy."

Because when someone starts a sentence "Like all of us...", what they're really saying is "Like myself..." Except, when Clinton says it, he really means "I am the fucking pope, motherfuckers! BOW TO ME."

Honestly, comparing a human being to the rest of humanity is really a non-issue, don't you think?

Clinton also questioned the pontiff's centralized authority and ultraconservative views. I'm joined now by Rick Lazio, a former Republican congressman from New York, who by the way, lost to Mrs. Clinton. Today's big question: Is this the right time for Bill Clinton to be criticizing the pope?

When you're discussing the appropriateness of something said in passing by a former President, you always want to be as fair and balanced as possible by talking to the dude who lost...TO HIS WIFE.

RICK LAZIO, FORMER REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN, NEW YORK: My mom wouldn't like him talking about that, I tell you that much, and on the eve of the pope's funeral — it truly flies in the face, John, of the millions of pilgrims and other people that are flocking to Rome to pay respects.

One would think your Mom wouldn't like you lying about a former President of the United States like that, either. But here you are, and there it is.

Now, perhaps if Clinton had said something a little more...I don't know...damning...then maybe, MAYBE they would have something to discuss. But, as it turns out (prepare for a shock) they only used PART OF HIS QUOTE!!! (HORROR UPON HORRORS!!!11!)

What did he actually say? Perhaps there was a malicious context behind his words. Surprisingly, the first place that came up with a nearly-complete quote was Drudge.

En route to Rome, Clinton told reporters the pope “centralized authority in the papacy again and enforced a very conservative theological doctrine. There will be debates about that. The number of Catholics increased by 250 million on his watch. But the numbers of priests didn't. He's like all of us - he may have a mixed legacy.”

Clinton was also asked about his first flight aboard Air Force One since the end of his presidency: “I never thought I'd be on this plane again - I had a good time. They have turkey burgers too, which they didn't have when I was here. If they'd been serving me turkey burgers, I might not have heart surgery.

*SHOCK* He's undermining America's turkey burgers as well! Why isn't he in JAIL yet??

Here's another perspective of how it all went down:

Clinton, talking separately with reporters on the plane, said the pope had demonstrated support for NATO actions to end genocide in Bosnia and Kosovo.

He said he had met "two great popes" in his lifetime, John Paul II and John XXIII. Clinton said he recognized that John Paul "may have had a mixed legacy," but he called him a man with a great feel for human dignity.

And, Clinton said, noting the throngs the pope would consistently draw, said, "The man knows how to build a crowd."

Let's see...humility? Check. A Realist view on past events? Check. Slight humor to offset an uncomfortable mood? Check. Respect for the dead? Double check. So what exactly was the problem here? Shit, I made worse jokes when my grandmother died. That's how I deal with stressful situations, I make jokes. It's called a coping mechanism, and it's quite common. SO what if he mentioned that Pope John Paul II MIGHT have made a few errors during his papacy? Oh noes!! The Pope might have made a MISTAKE??? Well, fetch the tar and feathers, me boy-o! We'll string him up from the highest yardarm! Who would EVER dare to call John Paul II's reign a "mixed legacy"??

Well, him.

And her.

Him too.

Oops! There it is again!

And AGAIN, it would seem!

As a matter of fact, a simple Google search for "pope mixed legacy" (including quotes) yields 200 hits. Without the quotes? 185,000 hits.

The fact is, nobody is perfect. Especially not Popes. (Crusades, anyone?) And mentioning this fact does not make you some vile heathen to be stewed in his own pudding.

The fanatical right-wing media has been having a veritable field day over this remark, and I think that shows a greater disrespect for the dead than anything that Clinton could have ever said.