Evil Brian's Evil Thoughts...it's a MotherFucker

Das Pope ist...

...ein scheissekopf!

Wow, who woulda thunk the Catholic Church would elect such an asshole as thier leader?

*raises hand*

To keep up with every single thing the Pope is doing RIGHT NOW (short of taking a shit), along with only positive Das Pope news, be sure to visit POPEBLOG!!!

Dodongo dislike smoke.

The new Legend of Zelda is gonna kick your fucking ass.

Jesus, just look at that shit. Awesome.

The Other Last Person Doing This

Only, you know, for the first time...and stuff.

1. Nirvana - Sliver (2:14)
2. children of bodom - everytime i die (4:02)
3. Rush - A Farewell To Kings (5:52)
4. Secret Machines - You Are Chains (5:49)
5. Blindside - She Shut Your Eyes (2:59)
6. Snow Patrol - How To Be Dead (3:22)
7. A Perfect Circle - Counting Bodies Like Sheep to (5:59)
8. Public Enemy - Terminator X To The Edge Of Panic (4:31)
9. The Beatles - If I Fell (2:22)
10. Senses Fail - Senses Fail - tie her down (3:12)
11. Wilson Pickett - I Found A True Love (2:25)
12. drowning pool feat rob zombie - the man without fear (3:20)
13. Thrice - The Melting Point of Wax (acoustic) (4:39)
14. The Cooper Temple Clause - A.I.M. (4:58)
15. DJ Shadow - (2) Building Steam With A Grain Of Salt (6:41)
16. The Cure - Just Like Heaven (Dizzy Mix b-side of Close to Me re-release Closest Mix) (3:43)
17. New Order - 5-confusion.mp3 (4:43)
18. Franz Ferdinand - The Dark Of The Matinée (4:03)
19. The Beatles - I Will (1:46)
20. Machine Head - Machine Head - Hellalive - American High (3:34)

Birthdays Are Fun

A Very Happy Birthday goes out to my friend Art, who turns the big Michael Jordan today. Or, as he would prefer, the big Mark Teixeira.

EDIT: (Un)surprisingly, Blogger turned to shit, so this wouldn't even PUBLISH until today (4/21). I am keeping the original date on it anyways. Many apologies to Arthur. You're still the big Mark Teixeira. Here's to next year, when you travel to Adrian Gonzalez country (if he's still on Texas by then)!

I Ain't Waterin' Down Shit!

From Ain't-It-Cool-News:

Now, the official decision has been handed down: REVENGE OF THE SITH is PG-13 for “sci-fi violence and some intense images.”

I’m happy to say that all of us who speculated that he’d either try to buy the PG or cut his film to avoid a higher rating were wrong. He seems to have embraced the PG-13, and to that, I have only one thing to say:

Bring it on, George. Bring it on.

The Spin Machine Never Sleeps
or
Nothing Is Sacred 'Cept Blaming The Clinton

Some things just shouldn't be fucked with.

Most people, by now, have recognized Fox News' tendency to not just distort or bend, but to totally obliterate the truth and relocate it to thier side of the political spectrum. This is to be expected. But you would think, with all thier conservative propositioning and thier claim to be fair and balanced, that they would PRETEND to be above name-calling and nonsensical, totally irrelevant political spinning. Not so, as it would seem.

Now, I haven't been a practicing Catholic for many years now. And those last couple were just to make my Dad happy for the most part. Believe me, you don't know boredom until you've attended Sunday School for 12 long years. The death of Pope John Paul II hasn't really affected me at all. Hell, I was out immersed in the ultra-violence of Sin City when he finally croaked. But even I'll say that he was, overall, a pretty swell guy. Sure, he got mixed in with the wrong crowd, and some of his ideas regarding marriage and sexual freedom were a bit ancient; but HE was ancient. He did a lot of good in his time and, though I don't subscribe to his particular invisible-man worship, I respect what he did.

So, if I can respect the man's memory, you would think that a network that has all but branded itself 700 Club II would be able to let the poor guy die without trying to demonize Democrats and liberals across the board. You would think that even the "fair and balanced" Bush Blowjob network could let the poor guy die in peace. You would think that, for once in his miserable and meaningless existence, John Gibson could hold off being a douchebag for 10 fucking minutes. You would, as it turns out, be completely and totally wrong.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Now, for those of you who can't stand any link branded with that little Fox News logo, I'll cut-and-pastify, and add some commentary on the whole thing.

JOHN GIBSON, HOST: Former President Bill Clinton was back on Air Force One and he wasted no time getting down to business. Talking to reporters, he compared himself to the pope saying, "Like all of us, he, the pope, may have a mixed legacy."

Because when someone starts a sentence "Like all of us...", what they're really saying is "Like myself..." Except, when Clinton says it, he really means "I am the fucking pope, motherfuckers! BOW TO ME."

Honestly, comparing a human being to the rest of humanity is really a non-issue, don't you think?

Clinton also questioned the pontiff's centralized authority and ultraconservative views. I'm joined now by Rick Lazio, a former Republican congressman from New York, who by the way, lost to Mrs. Clinton. Today's big question: Is this the right time for Bill Clinton to be criticizing the pope?

When you're discussing the appropriateness of something said in passing by a former President, you always want to be as fair and balanced as possible by talking to the dude who lost...TO HIS WIFE.

RICK LAZIO, FORMER REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN, NEW YORK: My mom wouldn't like him talking about that, I tell you that much, and on the eve of the pope's funeral — it truly flies in the face, John, of the millions of pilgrims and other people that are flocking to Rome to pay respects.

One would think your Mom wouldn't like you lying about a former President of the United States like that, either. But here you are, and there it is.

Now, perhaps if Clinton had said something a little more...I don't know...damning...then maybe, MAYBE they would have something to discuss. But, as it turns out (prepare for a shock) they only used PART OF HIS QUOTE!!! (HORROR UPON HORRORS!!!11!)

What did he actually say? Perhaps there was a malicious context behind his words. Surprisingly, the first place that came up with a nearly-complete quote was Drudge.

En route to Rome, Clinton told reporters the pope “centralized authority in the papacy again and enforced a very conservative theological doctrine. There will be debates about that. The number of Catholics increased by 250 million on his watch. But the numbers of priests didn't. He's like all of us - he may have a mixed legacy.”

Clinton was also asked about his first flight aboard Air Force One since the end of his presidency: “I never thought I'd be on this plane again - I had a good time. They have turkey burgers too, which they didn't have when I was here. If they'd been serving me turkey burgers, I might not have heart surgery.

*SHOCK* He's undermining America's turkey burgers as well! Why isn't he in JAIL yet??

Here's another perspective of how it all went down:

Clinton, talking separately with reporters on the plane, said the pope had demonstrated support for NATO actions to end genocide in Bosnia and Kosovo.

He said he had met "two great popes" in his lifetime, John Paul II and John XXIII. Clinton said he recognized that John Paul "may have had a mixed legacy," but he called him a man with a great feel for human dignity.

And, Clinton said, noting the throngs the pope would consistently draw, said, "The man knows how to build a crowd."

Let's see...humility? Check. A Realist view on past events? Check. Slight humor to offset an uncomfortable mood? Check. Respect for the dead? Double check. So what exactly was the problem here? Shit, I made worse jokes when my grandmother died. That's how I deal with stressful situations, I make jokes. It's called a coping mechanism, and it's quite common. SO what if he mentioned that Pope John Paul II MIGHT have made a few errors during his papacy? Oh noes!! The Pope might have made a MISTAKE??? Well, fetch the tar and feathers, me boy-o! We'll string him up from the highest yardarm! Who would EVER dare to call John Paul II's reign a "mixed legacy"??

Well, him.

And her.

Him too.

Oops! There it is again!

And AGAIN, it would seem!

As a matter of fact, a simple Google search for "pope mixed legacy" (including quotes) yields 200 hits. Without the quotes? 185,000 hits.

The fact is, nobody is perfect. Especially not Popes. (Crusades, anyone?) And mentioning this fact does not make you some vile heathen to be stewed in his own pudding.

The fanatical right-wing media has been having a veritable field day over this remark, and I think that shows a greater disrespect for the dead than anything that Clinton could have ever said.

Rush Limbaugh: Totally Pwned

The ever-enlightening TBogg directs us to the lying liar's complete and total hypocrisy.

Geez, what an asshole.

But then again, you knew that.

I AM a Total Dork

All this week I've been attempting to get my bi-annual clothes shopping out of the way, since wearing the same pair of pants three days in a row can get a little...shall we say, creepy?...after a couple of months. On Wednesday night I went to my local corporate death machine über-store because I am poor and they use slave labor which, of course, us crazy liberal Democrats wholeheartedly endorse. More meat for the grinder, I say! So there I stood, in this market of mediocrity, this bastion of consumerism run amok, carefully picking and plotting my way through the clearance racks for affordable and most-likely-previously-worn-and-returned merchandise in order to fill out my sparse wardrobe. I had picked out two pairs of shorts and one T-shirt that wouldn't look AS horrendous as everything else they were offering up to clothe my horrendous frame.

After picking out said sundries, and against my better judgement, I continued to browse the non-clothing parts of the store. After frolicking gaily among the frills and false flowers of the crafts section like a Vietnamese grandmother during Tet, I wandered aimlessly through rows upon rows of bargain basement DVDs, priced-to-own pots and pans, and sub-standard car batteries until I got...THERE.

THERE is where my entire conception of myself as a responsible adult came crashing down like so much of my self-esteem. THERE is where the entire world halted for the briefest of moments, and the very devil himself crawled into my brain and took control. THERE is where I realized any semblance of maturity I may have tricked myself into believing existed within my body was merely the faintest twinkling of an ever-elusive star. THERE is where every piece of subliminal marketing that has been injected into my frontal lobe spewed forth in one glorious eruption of irresponsible purchasing power.

I ejected the T-shirt from my carriage. One pair of shorts lay wounded at the fore of the aisle. And I picked up not ONE...

not TWO...

but FIVE Star Wars Revenge of the Sith action figures.

FIVE. Priced at $5.24 a piece.

I can almost feel my tough-as-nails grandfather weeping from beyond the grave. I only hope that he understands that there was nothing I could do. There was no stopping "THE PURCHASE"©. I watched helplessly as my hands flew through the air, clutching 3¾" plastic representations of C3PO and General Grevious in thier elaborate packaging, grabbing R2D2 from in front of a small child, and delighting in the prospect of placing Yoda and Darth Vader side-by-side next to my computer screen, light sabers crossed, blankly staring into the nothingness with thier dead eyes. I smiled pleasantly at the teenaged blonde female cashier and slowly unhooked her bra as she gave me my change. Or at least, that's what went on in my head.

I went through the self-checkout in shame. The robotic voice thanked me for shopping at thier establishment. I flipped it off and got the hell out of there.

I will most likely pick up the Emperor this weekend.


EDIT: Sorry about the quadruple post earlier; Blogger went assfuck all OVER my shit, and gave me about 500 "No Content" messages yesterday. Which was when I wrote and submitted this fucking thing. YESTERDAY. So I've had the same window open for about 24 hours now, just pressing publish post or, when I was feeling saucy, Save as Draft. I'm surprised it didn't publish this little anecdote a couple dozen times. Had that happened, I probably wouldn't have even bothered deleting them all. I would've just yelled "APRIL FOOLS!" and ran away as if I was a giddy British schoolboy. More kippers, Mum?