Thursday, December 30, 2004
Worst 20 Singles of 2004
20: Gretchen Wilson – Redneck Woman
19: Korn – Another Brick in the Wall
How in the holy fuck did this sound good, even on paper? To their credit, the guitarist does do a decent enough job with the solo at the end of Part 2, and this is a collection of the whiniest songs on The Wall which works in Korn's favor; but even still, Jesus fucking Christ. Another Brick in the Wall was NOT meant to be transformed into some shitty industrial knockoff bullshit.
18: Metallica – Some Kind Of Monster
They released another fucking single off of this godawful piece of shit, in order to hype their documentary by the same name. Guess what? The song is still unlistenably bad.
17: Tim McGraw – Back When
Worst lyrics ever. Tim McGraw and everyone like him are the reason country music is a disgusting joke instead of a hard-boozin’ piece of
16: Gwen Stefani – What You Waiting For?
Tee-hee! Let’s put out a totally bubblegum pop single much in the same vein as my band’s last god-awful album, except with less experimentation and more fuckheadedness! In other news, fuckheadedness is a word.
15: Gaggle of Fuckheads – Lean Back
I don’t need songs to tell me what to do. “Lean Back”? Eat shit. “Do the Rockaway”? Suck a dick! Fat Joe? Fat Fuck! The possibilities are endless when you use profanity.
14: Nickelback – Figured You Out
Nickelback’s totally edgy song about a coke whore comes off as neither edgy nor a song, but rather as a dying vagrant in the streets using the last of their energy warbling for quarters to go score some crack. This is the reason people hate
13: Chevelle – Vitamin R (Leading Us Along)
The whiniest band of fucks in rock today, and that INCLUDES Yellowfuckingcard. Referring to Ritalin as Vitamin R is officially a 15 yard penalty, first down. When has going from being a contemporary Christian band to a mainstream band ever worked?
12: The Worst Rapper Ever feat. Talentless Fat Fuck and Jadakiss –
How the hell did Jadakiss get stuck as the meat in a gigantic suck sandwich? Ja Rule continues to prove why nobody likes him by attempting to pander to the biggest hip hop audience in the world: suburban white kids who wish they lived in
11: Britney Spears – Toxic
Yeah, yeah, she’s in here. Long after the semi-retirement of the more obnoxious boy bands, Britney Spears is still releasing music. Who the fuck saw THAT coming? Song is particularly bad, as it contains overly-high pitched, over-processed vocals and ear-wrenchingly awful music. When you go to hell, this is the music reserved for the 9th circle of traitors and murderers.
10: Three Days Grace – Just Like You
They were on my list last year, they’re on here this year and, with any luck, they’ll all die in a horrible plane crash. Repetitive and unrelentingly bad.
09: Future Leaders of the World – Let Me Out
When your greatest musical accomplishment is managing to confuse me into thinking you are actually Puddle of Mudd, that’s a sign that this whole “rock” thing isn’t working out. Shit, even after the DJ said their name, I thought it was Puddle of Mudd in disguise. A cool enough band name wasted on the shittiest new band on the scene.
08: Yellowcard –
We use violins. We’re all artsy and shit. Listen to us whine. “Boo-hoo-hoo…
07: Good
Good
06: Switchfoot – Dare You To Move
Do you suppose these guys got together and said “You know what guys, I have an idea. Let’s write a power ballad that sucks.”? More boring than a thousand live Phish albums (sans weed), more soul-shattering than a thousand Sarah McLaughlin records. The most bland and uninteresting song of the year.
05: Usher – Confessions II/Yeah!/My Boo
Usher should probably have a category all his own. Definitely the most overhyped musician in the world today (and that includes the latest incarnation of "KISS"), Usher has proved that anybody that makes prepubescent girls cream their Underoos can get a record deal. Stealing all his moves from Michael Jackson (circa 1986), he’s hailed as a “total package” which is a load of garbage the likes of which landfills have yet to see. Yeah! Was good the first ten times I heard it, but after that hour was over the radio continued to play it at the same frequency for over SIX FUCKING MONTHS. Thriller barely kept its appeal for that long and it didn’t have Lil fucking Jon in it. Usher deserves to be eviscerated with rusty tuning forks and bled to death.
04: Eamon – Fuck You (Don’t Want You Back)
Some whiny fuck got cheated on or something and put out the most profanity-laced single (I think) in the history of music (and that includes “Louie Louie”.) Thank god he’s a one hit wonder, because the man just can’t sing. Or write a song. Or have any kind of subtlety or tact whatsoever. Whatever chick he wrote this about actually recorded a response to it, “FU Right Back”, and I don’t blame her for one solitary fucking second; because if someone I was dating had written a song THIS GODAWFUL about me, I’d certainly have to respond to it as well. Fuck Eamon and his shitty fucking one hit wonder bullshit.
03: Maroon 5 – This Love
Maroon 5 is the worst band on the face of the Earth. Boring, lifeless, unoriginal, bad. Yes, Maroon 5 is the poster child of B.L.U.B. bands. This song in particular is just plain awful; built on a shabby premise with nothing to distinguish it as new, different or even good. This is the epitome of suck. They produce fucking elevator music.
02: Eminem – Just Lose It
The most embarrassing, annoying and unlistenable single of his entire career, and he recorded “My Name Is”. He’s finally stopped even trying, it seems. Making fun of Michael Jackson and Pee-Wee Herman? A fart joke in the fucking song? (and not just a fart joke, mind you. He takes TWO BARS to set the fucking thing up, and two more bars to explain it to his retard fans.) Eminem has turned into a Weekday Morning Radio DJ. I still don’t understand how a song with a chorus that annoying and awful could ever be popular. Then again, check out what song’s at Number One…
01: Kelis – Milkshake
This song is a bloody, failed abortion crawling for life. Not just repetitive, but REPETITIVELY repetitive. Not just annoying, but ANNOYINGLY annoying. Overflowing with bad innuendo, awful vocals, a horribly grating bassline and the worst lyrics this sided of Good Charlotte, Kelis has recorded the worst single of 2004. This song is enough to effectively end Kelis’ music career, attaining the same level of listenability as Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music.”. Congratufuckinglations, you talentless, worthless gutter-trash piece of shit, you’ve hit the grand-fucking-slam of bad music.
