Sunday, May 16, 2004
The Giant Sucking Sound Of Me Caring About A Shitty Movie
So I went out tonight with my brother to see Van Helsing, and I had pretty low expectations from the get-go. I mean, Hugh Jackman isn't what you'd call an 'actor', no matter how badass Wolverine is; and it certainly didn't look like any kind of what I like to call a 'good movie'. But it did look like some dumb, if a little bit cookie-cutter, fun. In all honesty, they should've named this movie "Reason #1 To Put Kate Beckinsale In A Bustier", because that was the best part of the movie. I have never in my life been able to tell EXACTLY what is going to happen in a movie that I honestly hadn't heard a whole lot about, but this was atrocious. If you wanted a cliche, this movie had it. Let's run down the list, shall we?
* Troubled main character with a heart of gold? Check.
* Really hot chick thrown into main character's life? Yup.
* A somewhat stale romance that builds until the climax of the movie where they kiss before running in opposite directions? Oh yeah.
* A bumbling, wise-cracking sidekick/partner/talking dog? You know it.
* Some trifling evil with a fatal flaw that the main charcter happens to be the only person in the world to be able to take advantage of? Bingo.
* Really bad CGI? Wouldn't be a movie without it.
* Main character saying something cool/witty right before he kicks some ass/kills some creature/bops his sidekick/partner/talking dog on the head? You damn skippy he does.
* Misusing famous historical/literary/real-life characters/people and basically making a mockery of everything he/she/it/they stood for? Boo-Ya!
* Handy clues to plot twists that you can see coming a mile away, yet the movie still acts as if it's SHOCKING? Aw HELL YEAH!
* Riding their horses into the sunset...THEY RODE THEIR HORSES INTO THE FUCKING SUNSET! THE FUCKING SUNSET, FOR CHRISSAKES!!
However, there is one aspect at which this movie excelled, and one aspect only. They had the courage and the groundbreaking foresight to feature burning midgets. And for that, I can give this movie no less than two thumbs up.
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So I went out tonight with my brother to see Van Helsing, and I had pretty low expectations from the get-go. I mean, Hugh Jackman isn't what you'd call an 'actor', no matter how badass Wolverine is; and it certainly didn't look like any kind of what I like to call a 'good movie'. But it did look like some dumb, if a little bit cookie-cutter, fun. In all honesty, they should've named this movie "Reason #1 To Put Kate Beckinsale In A Bustier", because that was the best part of the movie. I have never in my life been able to tell EXACTLY what is going to happen in a movie that I honestly hadn't heard a whole lot about, but this was atrocious. If you wanted a cliche, this movie had it. Let's run down the list, shall we?
* Troubled main character with a heart of gold? Check.
* Really hot chick thrown into main character's life? Yup.
* A somewhat stale romance that builds until the climax of the movie where they kiss before running in opposite directions? Oh yeah.
* A bumbling, wise-cracking sidekick/partner/talking dog? You know it.
* Some trifling evil with a fatal flaw that the main charcter happens to be the only person in the world to be able to take advantage of? Bingo.
* Really bad CGI? Wouldn't be a movie without it.
* Main character saying something cool/witty right before he kicks some ass/kills some creature/bops his sidekick/partner/talking dog on the head? You damn skippy he does.
* Misusing famous historical/literary/real-life characters/people and basically making a mockery of everything he/she/it/they stood for? Boo-Ya!
* Handy clues to plot twists that you can see coming a mile away, yet the movie still acts as if it's SHOCKING? Aw HELL YEAH!
* Riding their horses into the sunset...THEY RODE THEIR HORSES INTO THE FUCKING SUNSET! THE FUCKING SUNSET, FOR CHRISSAKES!!
However, there is one aspect at which this movie excelled, and one aspect only. They had the courage and the groundbreaking foresight to feature burning midgets. And for that, I can give this movie no less than two thumbs up.
