Thursday, May 27, 2004
Face Down, Ass Up
I had an epiphany of sorts today, at my dreary, eventless workplace. During the seemingly arduous 5 hours of having absolutely nothing to do in my little Copy Center, and being forced to listen to O.A.R. and Pork Tornado by my imbecilic colleagues, I started really thinking hard about the following subject, and came to the conclusion that had been eluding me for a long while. After much thinking and deliberation, I have determined, at long last, that I would really like to fuck Avril Lavigne up the ass.
Surprisingly enough, I am not very fond of anal sex. In fact, I have never actually participated in anal sex and have very little desire to perform anal sex. I have barely had experience with normal sex and, shockingly, the thought of having regular vaginal intercourse with her has not even crossed my mind; so the announcing of my desire to stick my cock up Avril Lavigne’s smooth curvy backside may seem a little odd, but hear me out.
Now, don’t get me wrong here. I have absolutely no desire to listen to her sing one fucking note. In fact, I’d prefer if she just kept her mouth shut the whole fucking time. I dare say that her music is nearly unlistenable; she has the kind of voice that Alanis Morrissette might have if Alanis Morrisette had gargled and swallowed all that green slime they dumped on her in the 80’s. Her lyrics are trite, meaningless little puddles of drivel; the music behind her acrid voice is sub-par and soulless. Her videos are equally horrendous (though I am fond of the one of her crawling around in underoos, as long as it can be muted). In fact, from what I’ve seen and heard through articles and interviews, she can be a retarded, stubborn little cunt. Whether this adds or retracts from my craving of Canadian butt-sex with her is negligible, the fact of the matter is that today I realized that I am filled with the desire to put Li’l Brian far up her puckering poopchute.
I really can’t explain it, it’s quite a remarkable, though slightly frightening, feeling. For many months, I have been fighting with myself as to what my exact opinion of Avril Lavigne was. I mean, as a musical artist, she’s barely ahead of William Shatner in terms of musical awesomeness. As a Hot Topic wearing punk pop poseur extraordinaire, she’s about midway between any random emo band and any other random emo band. But as a tight pink asshole ready to fuck, she’s A+, number One, first in line.
So I guess all I’m really trying to say after all of this is that whenever I see or hear her from now on, all I'll be able to think of is spinning her around, bending her over, and giving her the Forbidden Hello. I have realized that, despite the fact that her voice and attitude are intolerable, and despite the fact that it will, in all likelihood, never happen; Avril Lavigne is extremely ass-fuckable and, should she ever have the desire, I dare say that I am just the man for the job.
Pictures like this don't really do anything to discourage me, either.
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I had an epiphany of sorts today, at my dreary, eventless workplace. During the seemingly arduous 5 hours of having absolutely nothing to do in my little Copy Center, and being forced to listen to O.A.R. and Pork Tornado by my imbecilic colleagues, I started really thinking hard about the following subject, and came to the conclusion that had been eluding me for a long while. After much thinking and deliberation, I have determined, at long last, that I would really like to fuck Avril Lavigne up the ass.
Surprisingly enough, I am not very fond of anal sex. In fact, I have never actually participated in anal sex and have very little desire to perform anal sex. I have barely had experience with normal sex and, shockingly, the thought of having regular vaginal intercourse with her has not even crossed my mind; so the announcing of my desire to stick my cock up Avril Lavigne’s smooth curvy backside may seem a little odd, but hear me out.
Now, don’t get me wrong here. I have absolutely no desire to listen to her sing one fucking note. In fact, I’d prefer if she just kept her mouth shut the whole fucking time. I dare say that her music is nearly unlistenable; she has the kind of voice that Alanis Morrissette might have if Alanis Morrisette had gargled and swallowed all that green slime they dumped on her in the 80’s. Her lyrics are trite, meaningless little puddles of drivel; the music behind her acrid voice is sub-par and soulless. Her videos are equally horrendous (though I am fond of the one of her crawling around in underoos, as long as it can be muted). In fact, from what I’ve seen and heard through articles and interviews, she can be a retarded, stubborn little cunt. Whether this adds or retracts from my craving of Canadian butt-sex with her is negligible, the fact of the matter is that today I realized that I am filled with the desire to put Li’l Brian far up her puckering poopchute.
I really can’t explain it, it’s quite a remarkable, though slightly frightening, feeling. For many months, I have been fighting with myself as to what my exact opinion of Avril Lavigne was. I mean, as a musical artist, she’s barely ahead of William Shatner in terms of musical awesomeness. As a Hot Topic wearing punk pop poseur extraordinaire, she’s about midway between any random emo band and any other random emo band. But as a tight pink asshole ready to fuck, she’s A+, number One, first in line.
So I guess all I’m really trying to say after all of this is that whenever I see or hear her from now on, all I'll be able to think of is spinning her around, bending her over, and giving her the Forbidden Hello. I have realized that, despite the fact that her voice and attitude are intolerable, and despite the fact that it will, in all likelihood, never happen; Avril Lavigne is extremely ass-fuckable and, should she ever have the desire, I dare say that I am just the man for the job.
Pictures like this don't really do anything to discourage me, either.
