Saturday, February 28, 2004
The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre II: Hebrew Boogaloo
Alrighty, I just got back from seeing The Passion of The Christ, and I made a couple of observations about this so-called "controversial" film. And I swear, I'm going to try to not be a dick. Really. I am.
Oh, and there are spoilers for those of you who have never ever ever read, heard about, or listened on tape to the Bible.
- First off, the film used more slow motion then the fucking Matrix movies. Not just that, but at the stupidest times too. Like, when the rabbis are paying off Judas, they throw the sack of coins to him....IN SLOW MOTION. Honestly, if you took all the slow-mo scenes and sped them up to normal time, you'd save something like a half an hour.
- UNNECESSARY SCENE #1: Showing Jesus building a table. a TALL table. And then having Mary cracking wise at Jesus. Okay, look. I think everyone and thier unborn fetus knows Jesus was a carpenter, we don't need to reinforce the fact with a needless flashback.
- Which brings me to the fact that there was barely any clear cuts between present action and flashbacks, which amused me because it confused the fuck out of the audience.
- There is nothing finer than going to a movie about Jesus Christ and listening to people say "Turn that shit off" and "What the fuck?" to annoying cell phones. It warms the very cockles of my evil heart.
- After the first half hour, I had seen all I had wanted to see of Jesus' bloodied horse-teeth.
- UNNECESSARY SCENE #2: Jesus washing feet. I understand SOME Christians are turned on by that kinda thing, and I understand that this is an independent movie, but come the fuck on.
- James Cavaziel can act out pain pretty well. And that's great, because about 90 minutes of the 2 hour movie involves Jesus grimacing in pain, Jesus crying out in pain, or Jesus collapsing from pain. And carpentry.
- They put Satan in the movie, and they made him look like fucking Dr. Evil; pale skin, big nose and all. And as if THAT wasn't enough, during the scourging scene, they gave him a MINI SATAN!! A MINI FUCKING SATAN. That earned the movie my $6.50 right there.
- If there was any TRUE anti-Semitism in there, I couldn't see it. Except for the overly-cartoonish bad guys. Seriously, every high priest seemed like Dick Dastardly, plotting to win the Laff-a-Lympics by forcing the Ranger Smith-like Pontius Pilate into a corner while "taking care" of Huckleberry Christ.
(I hope that wasn't too obscure of a reference)
- UNNECESSARY (BUT COOL) SCENE #3: An extreme close-up of a crow before and after it eats the eyes of the dude crucified next to Jesus. As if we couldn't tell it was a crow by the fact that t's ALL BLACK. Pecking the guy's eyes out was really cool, though.
- I was expecting a Shining-Elevator level of blood here, and I got barely a soapbox-full. Honestly, when Roger Ebert said "This is the most violent movie I have ever seen" I foolishly believed him. Never raise the stakes that high, folks. Everyone comes out a loser. There WAS an almost Kill Bill-worthy blood spray in one scene, though, so that was cool.
- They did have some cool shots, though. One in particular involved a closeup of a rivulet of blood dripping off of a nail that had just been hammered through Jesus' hand. VERY sweet. Plus, a lot of the shots just seemed really well-thought-out; very artistic. Then again, some were total shit.
- The Attack of the Demon Children reminded me of an Aphex Twin video for some strange reason, even though a Children of the Corn refrence would make much more sense.
- I would have liked it twice as much if it had ended RIGHT when Jesus died. I think the movie needs more "Empire Strikes Back" and less "Return of the Jedi", if you catch my drift.
So that's my synopsis on the Jesus Film. Not too bad, bnut definitely doesn't live up to the massive hype. But still the best Jesus film to come out this year. So remember, if you only go to see ONE Jesus film this year, go see The Passion Of The Christ!
EDIT: And also, I agree with my buddy Art. If you don't feel some such relation to Christ or whatnot, then you'll probably be bored shitless and end up counting how many times clumsy Jesus falls down carrying the cross (6, I believe).
|
Alrighty, I just got back from seeing The Passion of The Christ, and I made a couple of observations about this so-called "controversial" film. And I swear, I'm going to try to not be a dick. Really. I am.
Oh, and there are spoilers for those of you who have never ever ever read, heard about, or listened on tape to the Bible.
- First off, the film used more slow motion then the fucking Matrix movies. Not just that, but at the stupidest times too. Like, when the rabbis are paying off Judas, they throw the sack of coins to him....IN SLOW MOTION. Honestly, if you took all the slow-mo scenes and sped them up to normal time, you'd save something like a half an hour.
- UNNECESSARY SCENE #1: Showing Jesus building a table. a TALL table. And then having Mary cracking wise at Jesus. Okay, look. I think everyone and thier unborn fetus knows Jesus was a carpenter, we don't need to reinforce the fact with a needless flashback.
- Which brings me to the fact that there was barely any clear cuts between present action and flashbacks, which amused me because it confused the fuck out of the audience.
- There is nothing finer than going to a movie about Jesus Christ and listening to people say "Turn that shit off" and "What the fuck?" to annoying cell phones. It warms the very cockles of my evil heart.
- After the first half hour, I had seen all I had wanted to see of Jesus' bloodied horse-teeth.
- UNNECESSARY SCENE #2: Jesus washing feet. I understand SOME Christians are turned on by that kinda thing, and I understand that this is an independent movie, but come the fuck on.
- James Cavaziel can act out pain pretty well. And that's great, because about 90 minutes of the 2 hour movie involves Jesus grimacing in pain, Jesus crying out in pain, or Jesus collapsing from pain. And carpentry.
- They put Satan in the movie, and they made him look like fucking Dr. Evil; pale skin, big nose and all. And as if THAT wasn't enough, during the scourging scene, they gave him a MINI SATAN!! A MINI FUCKING SATAN. That earned the movie my $6.50 right there.
- If there was any TRUE anti-Semitism in there, I couldn't see it. Except for the overly-cartoonish bad guys. Seriously, every high priest seemed like Dick Dastardly, plotting to win the Laff-a-Lympics by forcing the Ranger Smith-like Pontius Pilate into a corner while "taking care" of Huckleberry Christ.
(I hope that wasn't too obscure of a reference)
- UNNECESSARY (BUT COOL) SCENE #3: An extreme close-up of a crow before and after it eats the eyes of the dude crucified next to Jesus. As if we couldn't tell it was a crow by the fact that t's ALL BLACK. Pecking the guy's eyes out was really cool, though.
- I was expecting a Shining-Elevator level of blood here, and I got barely a soapbox-full. Honestly, when Roger Ebert said "This is the most violent movie I have ever seen" I foolishly believed him. Never raise the stakes that high, folks. Everyone comes out a loser. There WAS an almost Kill Bill-worthy blood spray in one scene, though, so that was cool.
- They did have some cool shots, though. One in particular involved a closeup of a rivulet of blood dripping off of a nail that had just been hammered through Jesus' hand. VERY sweet. Plus, a lot of the shots just seemed really well-thought-out; very artistic. Then again, some were total shit.
- The Attack of the Demon Children reminded me of an Aphex Twin video for some strange reason, even though a Children of the Corn refrence would make much more sense.
- I would have liked it twice as much if it had ended RIGHT when Jesus died. I think the movie needs more "Empire Strikes Back" and less "Return of the Jedi", if you catch my drift.
So that's my synopsis on the Jesus Film. Not too bad, bnut definitely doesn't live up to the massive hype. But still the best Jesus film to come out this year. So remember, if you only go to see ONE Jesus film this year, go see The Passion Of The Christ!
EDIT: And also, I agree with my buddy Art. If you don't feel some such relation to Christ or whatnot, then you'll probably be bored shitless and end up counting how many times clumsy Jesus falls down carrying the cross (6, I believe).
