Evil Brian's Evil Thoughts...it's a MotherFucker

Drinkable Pie??

Don't have time to cook your own desserts? Want to serve some tasty pie-flavored substances without going through all the trouble of baking a pie or buying a pre-made pie from Wal-Mart? Then check THIS out!!!!

Now THAT'S Mmm-Mmm home-pouring goodness!



EDIT: Oh, and Happy Evil Brian Day! On this very date 22 years ago, Our Most High and Evil Brian was spawned. And on this day, we sacrifice a Blue Raspberry Icee to the powers of Hell so that the Most Evil Brian may live another year and crush his enemies with a mighty rockin' fist! Satan curse us, EVERY one....

“MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE: A GOOD MAN SPEAKING WELL?

For all the people who believe that a Communications Major is a crock of shit, I give you this: one of my term papers from Rhetorical Theory and Criticism. In the following paper, I prove, without a shadow of a doubt, that Macho Man Randy Savage is a good man speaking well, and is very rhetorical. Also, this is proof that I am the fucking man. DIG IT!!!


One-time WWF Intercontinental Champion; Two-time WWF World Heavyweight Champion; Three-time WCW World Heavyweight Champion; Quintillian’s quintessence of a good man speaking well? Indeed, to some, merely suggesting such an outrageous claim would be the equivalent of outright blasphemy. A good man speaking well, one professor might say, is reserved solely for the highest echelon of philosophers and public speakers. However, it is possible and, yes, even probable to state that the Macho King himself is, without a shadow of a doubt, the very definition of a good man speaking well. He fits quite snugly into the definition, illustrated by Quintillian’s four points: free from all vice, Lover of wisdom, sincere believer in a cause and servant of the state and people. Randy Savage fits all of these requirements quite nicely and can be considered a good man speaking well, though with a very raspy voice.

The Macho Man can certainly be considered free from all vices, as his only real vice could be considered “rasslin’.” Vice is a very broad term as it is, but I feel that vice in this instance means a habit or behavior that produces a negative effect. Taking this into consideration, he doesn’t smoke and very rarely drinks (despite what his voice sounds like). He did not partake of steroids at all during the time when it was pretty popular to do so to build both your career and your muscle mass. He managed to fight off these temptations, and he is a better person for it.

The Macho Man is also a great lover of wisdom, hell, he’s brothers with (and won the WWF Heavyweight title from) “The Genius” Lanny Poffo! He graduated high school with honors and decided he wanted to broaden his athletic knowledge. Already blessed with loads of physical talent, he started playing baseball in the minor leagues. He then suffered an arm injury that would’ve forced him out of baseball for good had he not had the fortitude to learn to throw left-handed instead of right. After this he was signed to (and then dropped from) the Chicago White Sox. He then decided to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a professional wrestler. Giving himself the moniker “Macho Man”, he quickly succeeded in wrestling and became one of the WWF’s most celebrated superstars. Not happy being limited, he took up acting, appearing in “Spider Man” and doing loads of cartoon voiceover work. He is still learning all there is to know about the entertainment industry, as evidenced by the fact that he recently put out a rap album (Be A Man on Big 3 Records). The bottom line is that Macho Man knows what it takes to succeed in his line of work (entertainment) and he has certainly mastered his craft. He is constantly looking at how to appeal to his fans and how to improve himself and his knowledge of the entertainment industry as a whole and this, I contend, makes Randy Savage a lover of wisdom.

Randy Savage is also a man who is a sincere believer in cause, especially when that cause is BRINGIN’ THE PAIN! In all seriousness, though, he certainly has his cause and his motivation to get up and do what he does every morning. For the most part, his cause is keeping his fans happy. That is why he wrestled professionally for over a decade, that is why he’s so involved with the entertainment industry and that’s why, to this very day, he is still productive and still surprising everyone (c’mon, who thought he would put out a RAP ALBUM??) The fact remains that Macho Man sincerely believes in his fans and does all he can to entertain them.

Finally, Mr. Madness is a servant of the state and the people. Other than his seemingly limitless commitment to his fan base, he is also very involved in charities. His favorite charity which he gives to whenever he can is the All Children’s Hospital and Foundation in Petersburg, Florida. He even challenged Hulk Hogan to a wrestling match where all the ticket sales would go to the hospital. After Hogan refused, Macho Man gave the hospital $10,000 of his own money. His constant support of charities such as the All Children’s Hospital, along with his undying dedication to his fans makes Macho Man a servant of the state and people.

Other than merely fitting into the four points of a good man as set forth by Quintillian, Mr. Savage is also a great speaker. He is certainly charismatic and you can feel that every word he says is brimming with emotion. His speaking style is definitely appropriate to the situations in which he has to speak (wrestling interviews, yelling at other wrestlers, etc.) Quite frankly, Macho Man Randy Savage is paid to be entertaining, and he always earns that money and then some. In this instance, Macho Man can definitely be considered a good speaker.

Humanitarian, believer of cause, lover of wisdom, servant of the people, master of the “Macho Man Double Elbow Drop”, Macho Man is certainly a renaissance man. Throughout his life he has looked to excel himself in every possible way and, for the most part, he has succeeded. Whether in the ring, or rockin’ the mic, Randy Savage has proven himself to be nothing less than dedicated, honest and an all-around great person in general. So, according to Quintillian, is Macho Man Randy Savage a good man speaking well?:


OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

"Our message is quite simply, 'Go home, Bush,'"

How interesting that, during one of the biggest protests in British history, all the news networks are affixing thier gaze on the washed-up Michael Jackson instead of THIS.

I know that EVERYONE has already brought this up, but I felt that I should as well. It's just fucking APPALLING that network news is so monstertrucking one-sided and fucking conservative up-the-ass that Bush going to England is a small blurb and monstertrucking MICHAEL JACKSON, who we ALREADY KNOW is doing bizarre freaky shit and whom we're all sick and tired of is the fucking lead story. It's way too much of a fucking coincidence for it to just be chance.

Okay, maybe I should take the tin foil hat off for a while....

SKITTLEBRAU!!!

Words cannot express the alcoholic adventurism HERE

Now I HAVE to attempt this....all in the name of science, of course.

Simpsons > all

Jimmy Kimmel is the Coolest Motherfucker Alive

I almost never catch his show, since I almost never have TIME to, but I think I'll make an exception. And yes, this is my second story in a row coming from Blabbermouth:

All-Dwarf KISS Cover Band To Appear On 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' - Nov. 13, 2003

MINI-KISS, an all-dwarf KISS cover band, will be the featured musical guests on ABC's "Jimmy Kimmel Live" on Monday, November 17. "Jimmy Kimmel Live" airs in most markets at 12:05 a.m.

To check out pictures of MINI-KISS in action, click here (all photos by Frank Mullen).


*with a tear running down my cheek* It's so beautiful....God Bless you, Jimmy Kimmel!

Metallica Makes Another Attempt To Kill Off Any And All Old-School Fans They Have Left

As if St. Anger wasn't bad enough, THIS is just sickening. If anybody still questions whether Metallica has pussied out or not, I think THIS clears it all up. From Blabbermouth.com:

METALLICA's HETFIELD And ULRICH Get Animated - Nov. 12, 2003

METALLICA's James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich will make their animation debut in an episode for the new animated comedy series, "Disney's Dave the Barbarian", from Walt Disney Television Animation.

Scheduled to premiere in January 2004, the show follows the title character's comedic adventures with his offbeat family — including his primping older sister Candy and his fierce younger sister Fang — as they protect themselves and their kingdom from a world of hilariously odd foes. Complicating matters is brawny Dave's non-barbarian demeanor — he prefers the finer things in life, like origami, bird watching and gourmet cooking. But with a combination of Dave's brute strength and his fine art skills, villains don't stand a chance. The majority of the episodes are split into 11-minute cartoons with two comedic adventures per episode.

James and Lars will appear in a single episode as rogue teenage dragons. No specific airdate has been given for their appearance.


A FUCKING DISNEY CARTOON??????

You should audibly be able to hear Cliff Burton spinning in his grave in 3...2...1...

Interesting Reactions To Stupidity, Vol. 1

Well, today I was driving to work, and I got stuck behind the slowest driver on the planet Earth. I mean dangerously slow. Mind-numbingly slow. Yertle the Turtle slow. They got in the wrong lane, didn't use thier turn signal, and stopped suddenly, ALMOST causing my poor, already-mangled Toyota Tercel to collide with thier shitty car. In most instances, I would swear, slam on my horn, curse some more, and scream at the top of my lungs. In this instance, however, such was not the case. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I said something VERY different. And it still boggles my mind. The following is my reaction, unaltered in any way, shape or form. For whatever reason, in this situation, I said:

"Shut your ugly face, Flanders!!"

I'm both proud and frightened about that.

23 Things I've learned working at Best Buy

1.) NOBODY knows the meaning of the words "alphabetical order". NOBODY. Not even most of the people that work at Best Buy.
2.) Out of every person that walks through the doors, approximately 98% of them have GOD-AWFUL taste in music/movies.
3.) I, being a fully-functioning employee here at Best Buy AND a manager of a semi-fully-functioning radio station, have NO credibility whatsoever when it comes to release dates on music/movies/video games, and your ambiguous "friend" of which you speak is never wrong about these things EVER.
4.) Some people still only have VHS and, of course, since THEY only use VHS we, as a store, MUST also sell VHS, and sending me to the back will always rectify this problem. EVERYONE must have VHS, it being 1987 and all.
5.) If an employee offers to go to the back and they don't return for over 10 minutes, they are either (a) Honestly still searching for whatever product you wanted, (b) dead and buried under a mountain of collapsed boxes, (c) out on a cigarette break, or (d) sick and tired of your stupid bitching.
6.) We have highly trained computer technicians, engineers, and managers. But not even God himself knows how to open and re-fill the paper towel dispenser in the bathroom.
7.) People are SHOCKED and downright APPALLED when they learn that we do NOT sell the latest album from some shitty indie band they listened to in fucking New Hampshire last year.
8.) No matter how many hundreds of times you hear it, you never remember that "Time Stands Still" is sung by the All-American Rejects.
9.) All the cool stuff we ever get in the store (gift set of Scarface, Texas Chainsaw Massacre re-release, Upright Citizen's Brigade Season 1), ALWAYS sells out before I have money, and it's NEVER getting re-released EVER.
10.) Pushing CDs back when you're done browsing through them is the hardest fucking thing in the world to do.
11.) The greatest bands in the world are as follows: Dave Matthews Band, Something Corporate, Luther Vandross, Rancid and Foo Fighters. They must be, because we have eleventy bajillion copies of their fucking albums.
12.) Christmas starts right after Halloween. What, you thought it was in DECEMBER???!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
13.) Li'l Romeo belongs in the rock/pop section, and yet Li'l Bow Wow belongs in the hip hop section. WTF?????
14.) Even if you absolutely HATE football, Madden 2004 never gets old.
15.) People, in all honesty and seriousness, BUY X-BOXES. And PREFER them over the GAMECUBE and PS2. The mind boggles.
16.) Sometimes beige can be TOO beige, and you can be sent home for wearing pants that are TOO BEIGE.
17.) Customers always ask the questions you don't know the answer to, and they will always buy your bullshit story, making the point that two people can have a conversation about a subject which neither of them knows anything about.
18.) I love Sobe. I've never realized how much I love Sobe, but I LOOOOOOOOVE SOBE.
19.) Nobody in the entire monstertruckin' universe except people that work at Best Buy realizes that new music and movies are released on TUESDAY and NOT on SUNDAY.
20.) Some people are lonely enough to follow employees around and talk to them like they were our best friends for 30 to 40 minutes, because they know we can't punch them in the face and walk away.
21.) People really DO want us to try and sell them useless shit they don't need. Really. It's true. Ask any sales manager at Best Buy. (Seriously, I've been REPRIMANDED for not trying to get people to buy a DVD rack when they only want to buy ONE DVD.)
22.) There is at least one person in this world who is EAGERLY ANTICIPATING the DVD release of Dumb And Dumberer.
23.) BestBuy.com is the worst commercial website in the solar system.